In that moment
by MissyMo2005
Summary: People always say that your whole life flashes before your eyes right before you die. All the mistakes and regrets, played over in your head again. In this line of work, I've had more than my share of near misses.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: So, I've had a ridiculous amount of time spent sat around in hospital waiting rooms over the past few days, and I've been writing to try and pass the time. I'm not really sure how I feel about this, but it helped to pass some time! Let me know what you think- Maybe I'll carry on with it, maybe not!_

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_ 'Maybe there's something you're afraid to say, or someone you're afraid to love, or somewhere you're afraid to go. It's gonna hurt. It's gonna hurt because it matters. –John Green.'_

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_Erin's P.O.V._

People always say that your whole life flashes before your eyes right before you die. All the mistakes and regrets, played over in your head again. In this line of work, I've had more than my share of near misses, one of the problems with being in intelligence- it's never just a simple case. And so, I find myself creeping around to the back of an abandoned warehouse in the dark, yet again. My heart is racing, the adrenaline levels rising. It's a miracle that I can keep my hands steady as I raise my gun, looking to my left at my partner Jay. He nods, a silent signal between us that we both understand. Seconds later, the door to the warehouse is smashed in, and we are inside. Searching. I cover his back, he covers mine. Just like we always do. But there's something different about tonight. I can feel it in the air, I just can't quite put my finger on it.

We work our way through the warehouse, clearing it room by room. Then, as we move down the hallway, we realise it splits. Without a second thought, I wave to Halstead- signalling to him to take the left branch of the hall while I take the right. I keep low, weapon drawn and ready as I move almost silently through the hallway, clearing each little room that comes off it. It's a strange feeling, not having Jay Halstead behind me, knowing he's not got my back. I try to shake off the feeling of unease that's creeping in, there's something not quite right. I move down, one more room to clear. I cautiously push the door open, moving slowly inside. At first glance it appears empty, and then it becomes very apparent it's not. I feel a hand close around my neck from behind and another hand grabbing my gun that I'm desperately hanging on to.

I try to fight, feeling the hand grow tighter and tighter around my neck, struggling to catch my breath. I hear a laugh come from my attacker as I struggle against him, trying to get free. I try to scream, hoping that Jay, Voight- anyone really- will hear and come and save me. But his hand closes across my mouth. "Shhh!" He whispers in to my ear, sounding amused. He spins me around, getting my back up against the wall. Panic starts to set in- I have to get away from him. I quickly bring my leg upwards, landing a solid kick in his stomach, trying to wrench my arms free from the vice like hold he has them in. It doesn't work, he doubles over in pain for a few seconds, but his hands tighten around my wrists even more. "Bad move." He hisses in my face. It's so dark I can hardly see him, just a silhouette but I've met people like him before. I know this isn't good. A small part of me hopes someone is coming to help me, a much larger part wonders if this is the end for me, and all because of my own stupidity.

The first blow comes as a surprise, my head smashing in to the wall behind me with the force of the slap he's just hit me with. I struggle again, trying to get free, but somehow he's still got me trapped with the one hand. As his hand connects with my face again I fall to the floor, wincing as my body hits the cold concrete. The concrete turns out to be the least of my worries, his foot swinging around and hitting me in the stomach, over and over again. I lay on the floor, silent. I'm half hoping he'll think I'm dead- then he might stop. Maybe he will kill me; it certainly seems like a possibility. I think of all the things I'll never do if I die right here, right now. All the things I've been to scared to do, like get back in touch with my parents or asking Halstead out. If my head didn't hurt so much, the thought might have made me smile. I spent all day with the guy, we knew each other inside out but I had never manage to find the courage to tell him how I felt. Now maybe I never would. I curled in to a ball on my side, just waiting for the final blow- the one that would finish me off. I knew it was coming. I heard him laugh once more, before I felt his foot connect with the back of my head and I faded in to unconsciousness. In a way it's a relief, at least I don't have to deal with the pain now.

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_Jay's P.O.V._

There's a moment, shortly after I reach the main part of the warehouse where the rest of the unit is to find that Erin isn't there, where I realise that something's wrong. Really wrong. "Where's Lindsay?" Voight yells. I can't tell if he's angry or not, he just sounds and looks permanently angry. "We split up- she went right.." I reply, fumbling around with my radio to try and get in touch with her. "Idiot!" Voight yells, he's definitely angry now. "You never split up! You're partners- that means having each other's backs! Always. Come on- we have to find her!" Voight continues yelling. I stand there for a second, frozen to the spot as the rest of the unit move towards the door my partner should have come out of. I should never have let her go down there alone. If anything has happened then her blood is on my hands, and I don't think I can live with that.

Eventually, I manage to get my legs working again. Running in the direction the rest of the unit went. I'm running down the dark and damp hallway when I hear two loud pop's. Gun shots. My blood runs cold. Please don't be her. We've been flirting with each other for months, neither of us quite ready to make the first move, but the connection is there- we both know it. But suddenly, I wonder if I'm ever going to get the chance to tell her how I really feel, to say the words I've been afraid to say for so long. I hear the call go out over the radio for an ambulance, but stomach doing flips as I sprint the remaining distance between me and the door.

I skid in through the door, feeling sick as I take in the sight in front of me. As someone turns on the lights my heart drops. This is all my fault, why the hell had I let her go down there alone? To one side lies the body of a man, blood pooling around him. Across the room lies my partner, sprawled out on the floor in a puddle of her own blood. Voight, Antonio and Olinsky are all crouched down beside her, Voight holding her head, the other two trying to get some response from her lifeless body. I look over at Ruzek, who's stood over the body of the man who shakes his head sadly. I feel my heart drop to the floor. What does his head shake mean? Is she- No she can't be. I move towards her, but Voight gets up, blocking my path. "I think you've done enough damage for one day Halstead." He growls. I'm convinced he's about to hit me when the paramedics come rushing through the door. They quickly begin assessing Erin, and what seems like seconds later she's on a stretcher and being rushed out of the door, closely followed by the rest of the unit. I'm left standing alone, staring at the pool of my partners blood on the floor. The blood that's on the floor because of me.

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_Please let me know what you think- suggestions very welcome!_


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: Thanks so much to everyone who left a review. I'm going to try and keep going as you asked, but there won't be much for the next few days- I'm working nights so I will either be at work or asleep! Anyway, enjoy and let me know what you think._

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_Erin's P.O.V._

Supposedly, there are moments in life that give you perspective, that clarify all the trivial little things that we worry about day to day. I've never been sure myself; I've never bought the idea of a white light and angels when you have a near death experience. I'd say the most clarifying experiences of my life had nothing to do with near death. When I look back over my life there's few moments that really stand out. There's the obvious of course, that crucial turning point. The day Voignt helped me turn my life around. Looking back, that day definitely gives me a sense of perspective. Thinking over what my life would have become if that hadn't happened, the life of crime that would have followed. It wasn't a near death experience, but I changed my life and lying in the back of an ambulance semi-conscious I can't help but wonder if this incident is going to have the same kind of defining impact on my life.

One things for sure, there's nothing magical about it. No bright lights, no angels. All I can feel is searing pain, shooting through every part of my body. But I can't move, I can't call out to the paramedics, as much as I want to. It's like I'm trapped, being held prisoner in my own body. Maybe I'm being punished for all the things I've done in the past, it certainly feels like it. Every tiny bump in the road feels like another kick in the stomach, each gasp of oxygen I manage to draw in to my lungs burns. The pain makes me realise I'm alive, but at the same time it makes me wish I'd died on the floor in that warehouse. As I'm lying on the stretcher in the back of the ambulance I start to wonder what I've actually got to live for. It makes me think back to when it was Jules lying on the stretcher, me holding her hand. She fought so hard to hang on; she'd got a husband and kids waiting for her to come home. But what have I got? An empty apartment, I've got nothing in my life apart from work at the moment. A part of me knows that if I pulled myself together and told Jay how I feel then I could have something more. But there's definitely a part of me wondering if it's even worth it.

It feels like an eternity, the time between getting in the back of the ambulance and reaching the hospital. As they lift me out of the back of the ambulance I can hear Voight, yelling somewhere in the background. He suddenly appears at the side of the stretcher, I only know he's there because I can hear him. I haven't even got the strength left to open my eyes anymore. "It's going to be ok Erin." I hear him say, I can hear the desperation in his voice and I know he's thinking of Jules. I want to open my mouth, to say something to let him know I'm still in here, hanging on. I try, but I can't open my mouth or catch enough breath to say anything. Then he's gone. I feel myself being lifted off the stretcher, hands everywhere. There's a voice I don't recognise calling my name, telling me to squeeze her hand if I can hear her, I try but I can't make my hand move. They're all talking quickly, words I don't understand. A few moments later I feel myself being moved again. It should worry me that I don't know where they are taking me, but the pains gone now and I'm so tired that I can't find it in me to worry.

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_Jay's P.O.V_

It takes me a while, standing in the warehouse staring at the blood on the floor, to realise that everyone else has gone. I need to get to the hospital, I need to see her. I need the chance to tell her how I feel. She'll be ok- She has to be. It's a frightening prospect that I might never get to talk to her again. That she'll never tease me about my driving again, or that she won't be there to kick my ass next time I screw something up. What frightens me most is the fact her blood is on my hands. I allowed her to go down there on her own. It's my fault that she ended up in a room with that man on her own. If I'd gone down there with her then this wouldn't have happened. That's the truth.

It feels odd, sat in the driver's seat of the car. It's just an unwritten rule between us, Erin always drives. I tease her occasionally, pretend to complain about the fact I'm not allowed, but I don't mean it- and she knows I don't. The truth is, something I've never admitted to her, I let her drive because it makes her happy, and I love seeing the smile on her face. It makes me feel sick to my stomach that I might not see that smile again. I've reached the hospital without even thinking about it, it's a small miracle really that I haven't caused an accident on the way there because I wasn't concentrating on the road at all.

I walk in to the hospital, scanning the waiting area. I see the rest of the unit, sat in the corner. Their faces are pale and I can see the worry, I wonder for a second if I'm too late, but then Antonio nods at me. It's a silent signal that lets me know I'm not too late, there's still hope at the moment. A little bit of hope is all I need. She can pull through this, she's Erin Lindsay for Christ's sake, she can't just die- She's invincible. Or at least we'd all believed she was up until this point. But then again, we'd all thought Jules was invincible, until the moment she wasn't. It's a frightening prospect, sat here in this waiting room again, that we might be about to lose another member of our team so soon after we buried the last one. It feels as though it should be some kind of nightmare, and I pray it is. At least then I can wake up soon and Erin will be ok. But I can't wake up from this, it's not a nightmare, it's real life. The partner I've slowly fallen in love with really is lying unconscious in a hospital bed because of me.

As I sit down next to Ruzek I see Voight's head snap up. He glares at me, and I know he's blaming me. I understand why, it is my fault. "This is your fault!" He spits at me, getting to his feet. Antonio puts a hand on Voight's shoulder, which is quickly shaken off. Voight crosses the room in two steps, and is suddenly standing right in front of me. "You don't think I know that? You don't think I wish it was me in there?" I whisper back. I'd expected it to come out much louder than that, but I just don't have the energy left in me to fight with Voight right now. I brace myself, waiting for him to hit me. But he doesn't. Antonio places his hand gently on Voight's shoulder. "Come on you two, not here." He says calmly, guiding Voight back to the seat he's just left. In a way I wish he had hit me, at least then I'd feel like I was being punished for my stupidity. Maybe this is my punishment, maybe what's happening to my partner is punishment- it certainly seems like it. If she doesn't come back from this I'll not only have to live with the fact that I sent her down there alone, but also with everything that's left unsaid between us.


	3. Chapter 3

'_It doesn't matter how tough we are. Trauma always leaves a scar. It follows us home, it changes our lives. Trauma messes everybody up, but maybe that's the point: All the pain and the fear. Maybe going through all of that is what keeps us moving forward, it's what pushes us. Maybe we have to get a little messed up before we can step up.'_

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Erin's P.O.V.

It's disorientating, waking up in a strange place with no one familiar around you. The lights are blinding, I'm lying flat on my back so all I can see is the bright white ceiling and the lights. I try to sit up, but my body won't obey my brains commands- I can't even turn my head. As I continue trying to move my head the dull throbbing in the back of my head quickly escalates in to a sharp pain. I admit defeat, it hurts too much. The pain subsides slightly as I give up, but it's still there. I feel my eye lids start to droop closed again, I fight for a moment to keep them open, but I can't. I slide back in to the darkness, at least it doesn't hurt this way.

As I drift in to sleep, my mind starts to wander. I find myself thinking back over my time in intelligence, and even though it's there reason I'm lying in this bed right now I can honestly say I wouldn't change it for the world. As my mind drifts I find myself thinking about Jay, all the things I never said to him. I start to wonder if I'm going to get the chance to tell him how I feel. Do I even know how I feel really? I know one thing for sure, I don't want to have any more what ifs. I've been so afraid of saying anything incase he doesn't feel the same, incase it doesn't work out, but all I'm left with is regrets.

I can feel a hand, gently taking mine. I fight against the tiredness, trying to open my eyes to find out who it is. "I'm so sorry." I hear him whisper, and then I realise who it is. Jay. I can hear the emotion in his voice, and I know instantly that he's blaming himself for what's happened to me. I try to open my eyes, but I can't. I know he's still there, I can feel his hand gently holding mine. There is so much I want to say, so much I need to tell him. I want to tell him it's not his fault, that he can't blame himself, but the words just won't come out. With some serious concentration I manage to tighten my fingers slightly around his. I wonder for a moment if he will even notice, it's such a tiny movement but it's all I can manage.

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Jay's P.O.V

We've been sitting in the waiting room for what feels like an eternity, staring at the walls in silence, when the doctor comes out. The whole unit gets up as he walks over, anxious for news. Please let it be good news. The doctors facial expression is unreadable as he stops infront of us. I hold my breath, waiting for him to speak. Praying he won't say those words. "She's alive..." I let out my breath. Thank god for that. Then I realise I haven't listened to a word that the doctor has said after the first two. "... We will just have to wait and see what the damage is, and if it's permanent." The doctor says, giving us a friendly smile before walking away. Crap. What damage? I'd been so relieved that she was alive I hadn't been listening. I was about to ask Voight what was going on when his phone rang. After a short conversation he yelled at the rest of the unit to follow him. "Not you Halstead!" He called back over his shoulder as I move after them. I can't help but feel relieved. I need to be here, with Erin.

I ask a nurse who's walking past if I can see Erin. She gives me a sympathetic smile that makes me think she's going to say no, but she gives me a room number and points me in the right direction. I thank her, hurrying off down the corridor, I need to see her, I need to apologise. This is all my fault. I reach the room, opening the door slowly. She's lying on the bed, unmoving. I don't know if she's just asleep or unconscious, but she looks so vulnerable. Their are huge bruises forming, marking her usually prefect skin. It makes me feel sick to look at them, the clearly visible hand prints around her wrists, her swollen and bruised eyes. All because of me. I should have been there to protect her. I sit down on the little green chair next to the bed, and reach out to take her hand gently. I'm almost afraid to touch her, incase it hurts her. "Im so sorry." I whisper, not knowing if she can hear me or not. Nothing. No response, but then I feel it. A tiny little movement of her fingers, closing slightly around my own, and it gives me hope that she's in there somewhere.


	4. Chapter 4

_A/N: Thanks again for all your reviews, and thanks so much for reading!_

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_Jay's P.O.V._

I must have fallen asleep, because I find myself opening my eyes to find my head resting on the side of the bed, Erin's hand still in my own. I sit up slowly, stretching. I look around the room trying to work out what time it is. I eventually spot a clock on the wall, and discover its 3am. I look back at Erin, who's still lying in the same position in the bed. I lean back in the chair and sit there watching her, listening to the regular beeping of the machines around her. As I sit there I silently pray that she's going to wake up any moment now and kick my ass for sitting there all night worrying about her. But the minutes tick by, and she doesn't wake up.

I spend all day complaining at work, about the little things she does that annoy me. Like the way she constantly teases me, but I'd do anything right now for her to be making fun of me. I smile to myself, thinking back over the day she'd announced to me we were engaged. It had thrown me completely, the way she'd just announced it as part of a normal conversation. I didn't mind pretending to be engaged for her high school reunion though, I'd do anything for her- and she knew it. We'd never even made it to the reunion, but I still remember the night clearly. We'd sat and talked for hours. We talk all the time anyway, we spend nearly every waking hour at work together, but there was something different about that night. For the first time ever, she'd opened up to me about her past. It had amazed me, how much she's over come to get where she is today. Then there was that moment, when we stood up to leave. We'd been so close together, it would have taken hardly anything for me to lean forwards, to press my lips to hers like I've been dying to do for so long. But we didn't do it, and now I wonder if we ever will. My fingers tighten around hers without me even thinking about it, she has to wake up. She can't just leave me.

Voight turns up a couple of hours later, and I can tell straight away from his face this isn't going to end well. "Outside." He says as his eyes flicker over Erin's sleeping form, and I can hear the anger in his voice. I get up slowly, following him out of the door, trying to prepare myself for whatever it is he's about to do to me. I've been expecting this, I deserve it. Before I've even had time to turn around to face him I feel his hand connect with my face, again and again. He shoves me up against the wall, getting right in my face. "If _anything_ happens to her Halstead… and I mean _anything_… I will kill you. Got it?" He yells right in my face and I know full well he's not joking. I'm about to move when he swings another punch, and this time there's a crunching sound as he hits my nose. A nurse comes around the corner to see what's going on, rushing over to us. She glares at Voight, who backs away in to Erin's room, before leading me away down the corridor despite my protests that I'm fine.

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_Erin's P.O.V._

When I wake up I'm aware that the hand which had been holding mine so tightly is gone. I slowly open my eyes, blinking at the bright lights. "Jay?" I manage to croak, but even that hurts my throat. The voice that speaks from beside my bed isn't the one I want to hear though, much to my disappointment. "Erin. Let me go get the doctor." I'd recognise Voight's voice anywhere. I should have known he'd be there, he's like my family- Jay always jokes and refers to him as my dad and he's not far wrong, Voight's more of a father to me than my actual father ever has been. But right now, it's not Voight I want to see. He's back again in a matter of minutes, a doctor close behind him. I nod yes and no to the doctors questions wearily, I'm not even sure how it's possible that I'm tired- I haven't done anything. But I'm exhausted, and everything hurts. I try to fight to stay awake, I want to wait until Jay comes back, I need to see him. But a part of me knows that he's not coming back while Voight is here. "Can you go to my apartment and get me some things?" I croak out, looking at Voight who looks confused for a moment and then nods.

A few moments after Voight leaves the door to my room creaks open again and I feel my heart speed up, please be Jay. "Hey, your awake!" I can the relief in his familiar voice and I can't help but smile as he sits down next to the bed, gently taking my hand again. As I look across at him I notice his swollen nose and know immediately what's happened. "I'm gonna kick Voight's ass when I get out of here…" I mumble. I'm probably not even making any sense anymore, I'm so tired. But he lets out a little laugh, clearly amused by the idea. "I think you'd better rest first!" He laughs, gently stroking the back of my hand with his thumb. I smile back at him, my eye lids drooping slightly as I fight to stay awake. He can see I'm fighting a losing battle. "Go to sleep, I'll be here when you wake up." He whispers as my eyes finally close.


	5. Chapter 5

_Jay's P.O.V._

I sit there with her, just holding her hand while she sleeps. I sit there, looking at he face. She looks exhausted, and I know she's putting all her energy in to trying to convince everyone she's fine- just like she always does. But as I sit there, listening to her wheezing with each breath and listening to the steady beeping of the monitors I realise how lucky I am that she made it out of that warehouse alive, it could have been so much worse. My thoughts are interrupted by a nurse, walking in to the room to check on Erin. She gives me a sympathetic smile. "How you holding up?" She asks me, moving around to the other side of the bed. I force a smile back to her. "I'm ok.." I reply, not really knowing what else to say. I don't know how I feel anymore, but the guilt is still there- especially sitting here watching her laying in that bed. It should be me there not Erin. The nurse gives me a sad smile. "She's lucky to have you y'know... Recovering from injuries like these are always tough, especially if theres no one there.." She says, as she makes a note in Erin's chart. I half smile back at her, not knowing what to say. Does it really matter that I'm here for her now when it's my fault she's in that bed?

I'm still waiting for her to start to blame me for what's happened to her, for not having her back. This injury could change her life forever, and I know there's a possibility she will end up hating me for it. As I look at her sleeping peacefully, her hand wrapped tightly around my own I struggle to imagine being without her. I can't imagine what it's going to be like, going back to work without my partner. In a way I'm almost glad Voight's not talking to me, to be honest I'm not even sure if I still have a job. At least now I can sit here with Erin.

I smile to myself, sitting there watching her. There's something about Erin Lindsay I just can't put my finger on. She's always had the ability to make me laugh, even when I don't want to. It amazes me, the way she stands up to Voight when no one else dares to question him. How much she's over come, the way she's managed to totally turn her life around. She's one of the strongest people I've ever met, and it's that thought that makes me believe that she'll get through this, and that she'll be back at work winding me up in no time. She has to be, because I can't even let myself consider the alternative.

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_Erin's P.O.V._

I smile when I wake up to find Jay still sat by the side of my bed, holding my hand. His head is resting against the back of the chair, snoring slightly. A nurse walks in, coming to check on me again. "How are you feeling?" She asks me, checking the monitors around me. "Sore!" I reply, the nagging pain in the back of my head still there. She's about to answer when Jay stirs slightly in his sleep, causing us both to look over at him. "He really loves you doesn't he. I'll go see if I can get you some more pain meds." She says with a smile, turning to walk out of the door. I lay there, looking over at Jay. I wish that what the nurse has just said is true, but how could he ever fall in love with someone as messed up as me. As much as I'd love to believe he's here because he cares about me, I'm fairly sure it's more to do with some kind of guilt he feels for letting me go in there alone.

I let my head sink back in to the pillows as the room starts spinning around me. I can't believe how weak I am, I can barely even lift my head any more. I'm relived to see nurse coming back with more pain killers. I've got a splitting headache and the pain seems to be radiating through my whole body. I don't even feel the needle the nurse puts in my arm, it's nothing compared to the pain I feel right now. I just about hear her speak but I'm too busy trying to stop the spinning in my head, it's making me feel nauseous. "Erin?" I head the nurse calling my name, pressing a cool hand to my forehead. I can feel myself slipping back in to the darkness as she calls my name repeatedly, trying to get some kind of response from me. "Call a code!" Is the last thing I hear before I slip in to unconsciousness again.


	6. Chapter 6

_Jay's P.O.V._

I'm jolted awake by people rushing in to the room, pushing me quickly out of the way. It takes me a few seconds to process what's happening, why all these people are crowded around the bed. Then I hear the noise of the machines, they aren't beeping anymore- it's a continuous ringing noise that makes me feel as if my own heart is going to stop. I stand there, frozen to the spot for a few seconds- the fear of losing her freezing me to the spot. I feel a hand on my arm, tugging me out of the room. The door is closed behind me, the nurse that dragged me out rushing back in to the room. I sink down in to the seat outside the door, head in my hands. I'm an idiot. All the things I still haven't said to her, the things I thought I'd have forever to say; yet again it's being called in to question.

I realise that I need to call Voight, he's her family and he should be here. I pull my phone out of my pocket, my hands shaking slightly. I type in the number, holding the phone up to my ear. "I thought I told you-" Voight barks from the other end of the phone, but I interrupt him. "You need to get here. Quickly." Is all I can manage to say, but I know he can hear it in my voice. There's a few seconds silence before Voight speaks again. "I'm coming." Is all he says before he hangs up. As much as he's the last person I want to see, I'm glad he's coming because I honestly don't think I can sit here and wait for the news. I can still hear them behind me in her room, orders being shouted and alarms ringing. It makes me feel sick.

Voight appears next to me only minutes later. I half wonder how he managed to get here so fast, but I know I would have found a way to if I was in his position. "How is she?" He asks, standing next to me. I shrug, I don't have any words. He looks past me in to the room and I can see from his facial expression it's not good news. He slowly sits down on the seat next to me, resting his head against the wall. I look across at him and I feel bad. I've always imagined Voight as being totally void of all emotion, but sitting here now I can see it's just a front. Erin's like a daughter to him and the thought of losing her scares him just as much as it scares me.

After a few minutes silence he speaks. "I'm sorry Halstead, this isn't your fault- I guess I just needed someone to blame.." He says quietly. The shock of getting an apology from Voight would have knocked me off my feet if I wasn't already sitting down. I honestly don't think he's ever apologised to me for anything. "I.. um.." I mumble, not really knowing what to say. We both jump to our feet as a doctor comes out of Erin's room, I can practically hear my heart hammering in my chest. "We got her back- she's a tough one. She's hanging in there for the minute…. There's a chance there could have been some damage. It's difficult to say at the moment, it depends on how long her brain was without oxygen. We'll just have to wait and see." He says to us, before walking down the hall. Voight and I both stand there silently for a few minutes, trying to process what we've just been told. "I.. I can't…" Voight says quietly, turning and walking away.

I stand there, watching him moving down the corridor. A part of me wants to follow him, I'm not sure I'm strong enough to be the person Erin needs me to. But I don't, I know I can't leave her there on her own. I walk back in to the room, and sit back down in the chair by her bed, where I've been sat nearly constantly since the accident. "Erin?" I whisper, not sure if she's awake or not. There's no response. "I'm so sorry… Please don't leave me… please… I…. I love you…" I whisper, the words slipping out of my mouth before I can even think about what I'm saying. I've never admitted it, never said the words out loud but the feelings have always been there, no matter how hard I've tried to push them down. No matter how hard I try to keep my feelings professional, it's always been there. I just hope I get the chance to tell her the truth.

* * *

_Erin's P.O.V._

I've got a splitting headache, I didn't think anything could ever be more painful than lying on the floor in that warehouse but apparently I was wrong. I can feel my eyes filling with tears, I try to fight them back but they spill down my cheeks against my will. I thought I was stronger than this, but lying in this bed I'm scared. I have nothing in my life apart from my work and I can't help but worry about what's going to happen to me if I can't go back to work. The idea of someone else taking my place, sitting at my desk, joking with Jay breaks my heart. I open my eyes slowly, wondering if the room is going to start spinning again. Thankfully everything stays stationary. Jay's still there, sitting in the little chair he's been in every time I've opened my eyes.

"Hey.." He says quietly, smiling. The smile doesn't reach his eyes though and I can see how exhausted he is. I squeeze my fingers gently around his. "Thank you…. For being here… you didn't have to.." I mumble, I don't feel like I'm making any sense. He smiles at me again, it's more genuine this time. "I'm not going anywhere Erin." He says, and I believe him. I smile back at him, ignoring the pain it causes. "I love you.." It slips out before I can stop it. I can feel my face blushing bright red. He looks at me for a minute; I can see him trying to make sense of what I've just said. I know I'm going to have to tell him the truth, explain how I really feel. I try to catch my breath; my heart is racing- I can hear the machines beeping quicker and quicker. "It's the truth Jay- I'm sorry it just slipped out like that but… I've nearly died twice, it's made me realise I need to say these things, because I might never get the chance." My voice fades to a whisper as I finish speaking. He's still sitting there, staring at me with a facial expression halfway between shock and happiness. My heart is still thumping in my chest as I wait for him to speak. I still can't quite believe that just slipped out. I'm blaming it on the drugs; my head is all over the place. But it's out there now, I can't take it back. I don't want to take it back, I know I'd never have had the courage to say it to him- at least it's out there now, he knows how I feel. I won't be left with all the maybe's and what if's.

The moments pass and he still hasn't said anything, I'm not even sure if he's breathing. I'm about to speak again when he exhales loudly. I slowly pull my hand out of his, resting my head back against the pillows, waiting for the rejection that's coming. "Hey, Erin.. Please.. look that just came as a shock ok?" He says, reaching for my hand again. "I'm not saying no, I feel the same… I just think you need to concentrate on getting better… The rest we can deal with later?" He says quietly, and I nod slowly. I know what he's saying makes sense. He squeezes my hand, "So then- you love me hey?" He says, making me roll my eyes. I should have known he'd take the pee out of me. I stretch my arm out, pretending to slap him. "God knows why!" I laugh, wincing in pain- I'd forgotten how much laughing hurt my ribs. He smiles, leaning back in the chair. "I'm going to kick your butt when I get out of this bed!" I say seriously, making him laugh again. "I don't doubt it for a minute!" He laughs back.


	7. Chapter 7

_Erin's P.O.V._

I've spent the past two weeks lying in this hospital bed, and I can honestly say they've been the longest two weeks of my life. Jay's been coming to see me every evening after work, but in a way listening to him talking excitedly about the cases they are working on only makes it worse. I'm dying to get back to work, despite the nerves and apprehension. I know there's no way Voight's going to sign off on it for a while. Not that he'd know how I am, he hasn't been to see me at all he past two weeks. Jay's been by every day, Antonio and Kim come most days too. I'd just expected Voight to be there, he's the only family I have. I've mentioned it to Jay a couple of times, but he's just told me to give Voight some time. I hadn't expected him to be on Voight's side and I can't help but feel there's something he's not telling me.

Thankfully, they're letting me go home today after a lot of protesting from me. Jay's taken some time off work to 'look after' me. The very idea of him looking after me like some kind of nurse annoys me; I've never been very good at letting people look after me. But I also know there's no way Jay will let me get away with doing things for myself. I think in a way my injury has been harder on him. I've got no real memories of what happened that night, and that I'm thankful for. Jay on the other hand is haunted by the memories of that night, and the days in hospital that follow. I know he'll never admit it, but there have been a few nights when he's fallen asleep in the chair beside my bed and I've heard him, calling out in his sleep. I can see it in his face, the toll it's taking on him and it makes me feel bad. He shouldn't have to worry about me.

I smile at Jay as he walks back in to my room, relieved that it doesn't hurt much anymore. The bruises that covered my body have slowly started to fade over the past few days, but the scars from the surgeries are still very visible, a permanent reminder of what happened. I stand up slowly, holding on to the bed to try and keep my balance. It's frustrating, how weak I am. Jay comes up beside me and puts an arm around my waist to hold me up. I lean on him heavily; even the few steps to the door are exhausting. Jay doesn't say anything, just holding on to me tightly. I'm grateful; it's still embarrassing that I can barely do anything for myself, without people bringing it up.

It takes a while, us walking along slowly with Jay half carrying me, but eventually we reach his car. I slide in to the passenger seat, absolutely exhausted but I can't quite resist teasing him. "Let's get this straight- as soon as I'm better you're back in the passenger seat!" I laugh as he starts the engine. He looks at me and rolls his eyes. "It's been so lovely and peaceful working on my own! I get to drive, eat what I want for lunch and no one complains!" He laughs back at me. I lift my hand, giving him a gentle slap on the arm. "You'd miss me too much!" I laugh, knowing he's joking. "Probably, but I do love driving!" He says, pulling out of the parking lot. I lean my head against the window, my eyes drooping closed. The walk to the car is probably the most strenuous thing I've done since my injury and I can feel it's taken its toll.

I rest my head against the window, watching the city pass me by as Jay drives us slowly back to my apartment. It doesn't take us long to get home thankfully, I don't think I'd be able to keep my eyes open much longer. As I open the door and start to climb out, Jay rushes around to my side to help me out, it's sweet of him but at the same time I find it frustrating being treated like some kind of invalid. It's a good job he's there though because my legs buckle under me as I stand up, Jay just managing to catch my elbow and steady me. "Thanks..." I mumble, leaning heavily against him. He doesn't say anything, just holding on to me tightly and leading me up the steps to my apartment.

As I sink down on my bed I can't believe how exhausted I am. I'd got it in my head that I was going to be back at work in a matter of days, but I'm feeling the physical impacts of my injury now. I start trying to change in to my pyjamas but I soon have to admit defeat and reluctantly let Jay help me. I wince, bending my arms to slip them out of my sleeves. Everything hurts, just swinging my legs in to bed is painful. Jay's giving me that look again, I can see him worrying, "I'm fine!" I say to him, but I know it doesn't sound all that reassuring. He frowns at me, getting in to bed beside me. He pulls me closer, wrapping his arms around me gently. I close my eyes and smile as I feel him press a gentle kiss on the top of my head. I know it's going to be a long and painful recovery, but knowing he's going to be there with me makes me feel so much better about it.

* * *

_Jay's P.O.V._

I can hear Erin's breathing even out next to me as she falls asleep, but I can't help but lie there awake, listening. I know she's ok, they wouldn't have let her come home if not, but there's a part of me that's still worrying she might stop breathing or that something might happen during the night. It's an irrational fear, but it's still there. Laying there in the darkness I can almost see her on the floor in that warehouse again, that horrifying moment when I thought I'd never get to speak to her again. My arms tighten a little around her as I think about it. I'm just so lucky that she's here with me now, that I'm getting to chance all the things I thought I wouldn't get the chance to say.

I wake up in the night to find the bed beside me empty. My heart starts racing immediately, panic. It's illogical, she can't have gone far but I still worry. Turning the light on I jump out of bed, walking through her apartment to find her. Relief floods through me as I see the kitchen light on. I walk through the kitchen door to find Erin hunched over, leaning on the worktop. As I get closer I realise she's crying. "Erin?" I bend forward to look at her, trying to work out what's wrong. She turns to face me, leaning her head against my chest. "What if it doesn't get better Jay? What if I can't come back to work? It just hurts so much..." She starts crying again as she comes to the end of her sentence. It's breaking my heart seeing her like this. "Shhh.. It's ok... Look we'll sort it out if it comes to it..." I whisper in her ear. To be honest I don't know what to say to her, they're all thoughts that have crossed my mind, things I don't even want to think about.

We stand there for a few minutes in silence before I gently pull on her hand. It's the middle of the night and she really should be resting. She follows me back in to the bedroom and back in to bed, curling up beside me again. We both lay there, lost in thought. I can't even begin to comprehend the idea that she might not come back to work with me. I can't imagine what it's like for her, we've both spent so long working up to this, putting everything in to the job- the idea that it could be snatched from under us this quickly is frightening. I know it's a possibility that she might not recover fully, but it's not a possibility that I even want to consider.


	8. Chapter 8

'_Pain. You just have to ride it out. Hope it goes away on its own. Hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions. No easy answers. You just breathe deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time, pain can be managed. But sometimes, the pain gets you when you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain. You just have to fight through. Because the truth is, you can't outrun it. And life always makes more.'_

* * *

_Erin's P.O.V._

It seems odd to me, the fact it can take some kind of tragic event to make us admit our true feelings, that we only realise how much we want something when it's very nearly taken away from us. I can't help but wonder what I would be doing now if I hadn't gone in to that room alone. Would I be lying in my bed in my partners arms? The chances are probably not. There's so many what if's, so many possible scenarios that could have come out of that day, it's frightening to think of all the possibilities. I know Jay's awake next to me, I can feel his fingers trailing lightly over my skin. He doesn't say anything though, he hasn't said much since I've been home. There's something he's not telling me, I know it. I'm not sure if I want to know, just incase it's bad news. I don't think I can take much more.

Several minutes later he speaks, so quietly at first I can barely hear him. "We need to talk about this Erin.." He says quietly, and I can almost hear the apprehension in his voice. It's as though he's expecting me to explode, to take it all out on him- either that or he thinks I'm going to break down in tears. I feel my stomach knot, I was hoping he hadn't noticed, that we wouldn't have to have this conversation. I roll to the edge of the bed, away from him. "I don't know what you're talking about." I say, quietly and firmly. It's a rubbish come back, I know he's not going to the it, but it's all I've got in me at the minute. I hear him sigh quietly before he gets up off the bed and walks away. There's a noise that it takes me a second to place, but then I realise it's the front door of my apartment shutting.

I sit on the edge of the bed for a minute, waiting to see if he's coming back, but the minutes tick by and he doesn't. I get up and get dressed quickly, making my way out of the door. By the time I've got down the stairs I'm exhausted, but I don't stop. I suck in the icy cold air and walk slowly down the street. If feels good to get out of the apartment, I need some time to clear my head. I think Jay does too. It's been a lot to taken in, my injuries, our new found relationship and we both just need a minute. I wander along aimlessly, thinking. I nearly walk in to people several times, so lost in thought I hadn't even noticed them. There's a nagging pain in my chest and my legs, but i don't stop walking. Maybe if I just keep going my problems won't come with me.

I'd thought I was lucky, having no memory of what happened. I've been praying its permenant, as selfish as it sounds I can see the impact the memories of that night have on Jay and I've got no desire to have to relive it myself. But the last few days there's been little flashes coming back to me. The fear is even more paralysing than it was at the time. I've been trying to deny it, convince Jay I'm fine but he's not stupid. Last night, stood in the kitchen with him- it was as though I was back in the warehouse for a few seconds. I totally zoned out on what Jay was telling me, as though I was back there, being pressed up against the wall. I'd dropped the mug I was holding, Jay trying desperately to get me to talk to him but I just couldn't, then there'd been another flash in the middle of the night. I'd woken up in a cold sweat, screaming. I'd had a dream so vivid it had felt like I was really laying on the cold floor, being kicked over and over again. My screaming had woken Jay up, he'd tried to ask what was wrong but I just could explain it. I want everything to be fine, I want us to move on from this, I don't want to weigh him down with my problems even more.

I keep walking, aimlessly wandering with no sense of direction, just thinking things over. The pain shooting through my chest is suggesting I should probably stop. I've got no idea how far I've walked but I'm fairly sure this isn't what the doctor meant my rest. I spot a bench up ahead and walk towards it wearily. It's freezing out and hardly ideal weather for sitting outside but I need a minute to catch my breath. As I sit on the bench, wheezing with each breath I reach in to my pocket to take my phone out. I'm going to have to admit defeat and call Jay, even if it means having a conversation I don't want to. I push my hand in to my pocket, only to find it empty. I search the other one, only to find that empty. Crap. I feel awful, Jay's going to be worried about me. I'm such an idiot, he deserves so much better than this.

* * *

_Jay's P.O.V._

I regret it instantly, the second I walk back in to the apartment. It was stupid and selfish of me, I just needed a minute. I just feel like ever since that night in the warehouse we've been stuck in some kind of nightmare. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that we've finally confessed to each other how we feel, it's the other stuff. The doctors appointments, watching her wince in pain when she doesn't think I can see her- the sound of her screaming during the night. It just feels as though we'll never get back to normal. I just needed five minutes of peace and quiet, of normality. But there's a second, when I walk in to the apartment and my voice echoes off the empty walls, when I know it was a mistake. For a second I wonder what I'm going to find- visions of Erin laying unconscious on the floor flooding in to my mind. But as I rush through the apartment I find it's empty. I have to look twice, she struggles to walk to the kitchen some days so the idea of her making it out of the apartment seems inconceivable. But apparently she's managed it.

I grab my phone, dialling her number. My heart sinks as I hear a familiar ringtone and spot her phone on the side in the kitchen. I think for a minute, trying to think where she might have gone, who she might have gone to. I call burgess, who hasn't seen her all day. Then I tentatively dial Voight's number, I know he's going to kill me for not knowing where she is but I'm running out of options. He hears the panic in my voice instantly. "What do you mean have I seen her?! You're supposed to be looking after her!" He barks down the phone at me, making me feel worse than I already do. He hangs up on me, leaving me no alternative but to go out and look for her. I'm at the bottom of the steps when Voight appears. "What the hell are you playing-" he starts to yell at me and I just snap. I know Voight's not the ideal person to take this out on, the odds are he's going to make my life hell, but the weeks of pent up emotion just come rushing out. "You know what Voight, don't you _dare_ give me a lecture! Maybe you should try being the one that has to carry her to bed when she's too tired to walk, or being the one that has to get her painkillers at 2am because she's in too much pain to sleep- maybe you should try waking up to the sound of her screaming! Because where have the rest of you been? You're supposed to be her family!" I scream in his face. He stands there for a second, speechless before I turn and hurry off down the street.


	9. Chapter 9

_Jay's P.O.V._

I surprised myself by shouting at Voight, I've never done that before- I'm not afraid to admit he scares the crap out of me. But there's a part of me that's just so angry, that these people who are supposed to be her friends and family haven't been there for her when she needed them. I know without a doubt that Erin would have been there for any of them if the situation had been reversed, but it was too much effort for them to come and see her for a little while. Then again, it's not the first time this unit hasn't stuck by one of its own, i think to myself, remembering the way they'd all deserted me when i was accused of murder. I can hear Voight behind me, running to catch up with me as i rush down the street. I grimace slightly, he's not going to be happy with me. "Halstead!" He yells, finally catching up with me, putting a hand on my shoulder to stop me.

"I'm sorry ok! I should have been there i know that!" He yells, despite being stood right in front of me. I notice a few people on the street giving us funny looks. "It's not me you should be apologising to." I reply bluntly, shrugging out from under his hand and walking away. I can't be bothered to have this conversation with him right now, i've got more important things to worry about- like finding Erin. I shiver, pulling my coat closer around me. It's freezing out here, making me even more anxious to find her. I can still hear Voight behind me, struggling to keep up with me. I'm desperately racking my brains, trying to work out where she might have gone. I'm racking my brains and coming up blank, i haven't got a clue where she's gone, or even if she's come in this direction.

I spend about 20 minutes wandering around, checking every street i can think of. Voight's still behind me, looking for her too. Thankfully he's kept his thoughts to himself, or i think i might have hit him. I can feel my anxiety rising, the panic that something might have happened to her, and it will be all my fault again. I'm wondering if we should be calling hospitals to see if she'd been hurt when i spot some familiar hair on a bench 100 yards in front of. I stop abruptly, causing Voight to nearly walk in to the back of me, and let out a sigh of relief. I'm about to rush over to her when Voight puts his hand on my shoulder to stop me. "I need a minute Halstead." He says, walking over to her before I get a chance to reply. As much as i want to rush over there and check she's ok i nod at him, knowing i need to give him a chance to talk to her. He darts in between the crowd, sitting down on the bench behind her. I move slowly towards them, staying just out of earshot, ready to chase after her if she storms off, but i'm hoping she'll hear him out, that she'll realise how hard this has been on Voight.

* * *

_Erin's P.O.V._

I'm sat there, on the bench in the freezing cold just thinking. There's so much in my mind at the moment, filled with various different scenarios. I know i'm being ridiculous, that i'm worrying too much, over complicating things but i can't help it. I can't get the thought out of my mind that i'm a burden on Jay, that he feels like he has to look after me because of some kind of guilt he's holding about that night. He's reassured me a few times that it's not the case, but the thought is still there in the back of my mind. I snap out of my thoughts as someone sits next to me on the bed. I'm surprised to see it's Voight. "Hey Kid.." He says softly, looking at me. "Finally remembered I exist then?" I reply, I meant it to come out jokingly but it doesn't. My harsh words hang in the air for a moment before he speaks again. "Erin…. I'm sorry- It's just every time I look at you, I see you lying on that floor in a pool of your own blood…. It's my fault, I should never have sent you down there-" He starts and I roll my eyes slightly. What is it with the men in my life and trying to take the blame for events beyond their control? He smiles at me, looking at my expression. "I know it's no excuse, I'm sorry- But you've got Halstead…. And as much as i wish you'd listened to me when I told you not to date someone in my unit, he really cares about you- no matter what you think." He continues, looking at me.

There's a few moments silence and I can't help but laugh. "Thanks Dad!" I tease, moving towards him as he pulls me into a hug. I wince slightly as he squeezes me just a little too tightly, my broken ribs protesting. "Sorry kid." He mumbles, releasing me as Jay appears beside us. "That's my cue!" Voight laughs, standing up. "Take care of her Halstead!" He calls back over his shoulder as he walks away. Jay sits down slowly on the bench next to me. "I'm sorry…" He starts and I shake my head, cutting him off. "You have nothing to apologise for Jay- You've been a saint, more than i could ever ask for… You don't have to be with me every waking moment… Nothings going to happen to me.." I say quietly. He laughs slightly, raising an eyebrow at me. "Ok, well i wont be so stupid next time!" I laugh, smacking his arm playfully. "Come on, lets go home- It's freezing out here!" He says, getting to his feet and holding a hand out for me.

I take his hand gratefully, I'm so exhausted i don't think that I could stand on my own. After pulling me to my feet he wraps his arm securely around my waist, pulling me in towards him. I lean on him, walking slowly back towards the car he's brought around. As soon as we get in he turns the heating on full, and then as the warm air fills the car I start to realise just how cold I actually am. It only takes a few moments for us to get back to the apartment, but it takes us a while to get up the stairs. I'm so tired that I can barely lift my legs to walk up the steps. When we get into the apartment I head in the direction of the shower, hoping some hot water will warm me up- I'm still absolutely frozen. Jay takes my coat out of my hands, hanging it up for me as I slowly walk to the bathroom. As i reach the door frame i turn back to look at him, gripping on to the door frame tightly to steady myself. He looks up, to find me standing there smiling at him. He gives me a questioning look, I smile " Just thinking about how lucky I am…" I reply, heading into the bathroom. I shut the door behind me and sit down on the toilet for a moment, my head is spinning again. As i squeeze my eyes shut trying to stop the spinning sensation, I hope desperately for some form of normality soon.


	10. Chapter 10

_Jay's P.O.V._

I'm sitting in the apartment, watching the news when I realise an hour has passed and Erin still hasn't come out of the shower. I want to get up, go and check she's ok, but she's only just told me that I worry too much. She's fine- she'd have called me if she wasn't. I sit there, staring at the tv and not really taking it in, watching the minutes tick by. I get up, walking through to the bedroom to see if she's in there. There's a tiny part of me that's wondering if she's snuck back out of the apartment- she wouldn't do that to me though would she? I can hear the water running as I walk past the bathroom door and I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Erin's normally teasing me about the fact I take longer to get ready than her.

I hesitate outside the bathroom door for a moment, wondering if I should check she's ok. She's probably going to yell at me for worrying too much again, but I can't help it. I've got a bad feeling about it for some reason. I raise my hand to the door, knocking loudly. "Erin?" I call through the door, waiting for some kind of response. Nothing. I knock again, but there's still no answer. I put my hand on the door handle, thankfully it's not locked. I slowly push it open, peering around it. Erin's there, sat on the toilet seat with her head in her hands. I shut off the water and crouch down in front of her. "Erin?" I say again, placing my hand on her shoulder. She flinches when I touch her, her head snapping up. She's as white as a sheet, and I can tell from the way she squeezes her eyes closed again there's something wrong with her. "What is it?" I ask, my concern rising. She opens her eyes slightly, looking at me. "Just tired." She mumbles. I get the feeling that she's not telling me the whole truth, but I don't want to argue with her.

Slowly, I help her out of the bathroom and she lays down on the bed, falling asleep almost instantly. As I lay on the other side of the bed I can't help but watch her sleep. There's just an uneasy feeling in my stomach, as though something isn't quite right, but I've got no idea what it is. I don't know why it's bothering me, it's not unreasonable that she's this tired. She's struggled to make it down the steps of the apartment up until now, and she'd walked miles before we found her. I try to shake off that feeling of worry, but I just can't. Then again, that feeling has been there ever since she got injured. Even in the hospital surrounded by doctors and nurses I was worrying about her. She looks so peaceful sleeping next to me, but I know it's only a matter of time until she wakes up screaming from the nightmares that have been plaguing her for weeks. I'd give anything right now to go back to that night, to stop her going down there on her own. But I can't change what's happened, I can only hope for some kind of normality some time soon.

* * *

_Erin's P.O.V._

I wake up in the middle of the night, as I always do, in a cold sweat with my heart racing. I feel Jay stirring next to me and pray silently he doesn't wake up. He thinks I'm having nightmares about the attack, and they were to start with. But what he doesn't know is that my mind is going so much further back than that, I'm having nightmares about my childhood, about the time before Voight found me. It's something I never wanted to relive, and the fact I know it's coming makes me reluctant to close my eyes again. I roll on to my side, facing Jay. I can just make out his face in the dim light in the apartment. I can't help but wonder how long it will be before he gets fed up with being with someone as messed up as I am. Part of me thinks I should just enjoy it while it lasts, the much larger part of me knows it's going to kill me when he leaves me.

My mind is whizzing around so quickly it's a wonder Jay doesn't wake up. He says he loves me, and he's been so amazing, but I still can't believe that someone as good as Jay would want to be with someone like me. He still doesn't really know me, I guess thats it. I've told him just enough about my past to stop him asking questions, but he doesn't even know the half of it. I'm so much more messed up than he could ever imagine, and I'm certain that when he finds out he's going to run. Everyone always does.

I can feel my eyelids drooping closed again, and I fight against them. I don't want to have to see it again. I smile slightly as Jay fidgets next to me, ending up snoring right in my ear. I pull myself closer to him, his arms automatically coming around me even while he's asleep. I feel safe, laying here like this, which is another reason it's going to hurt like hell when he decides he's had enough of being with me. I've got no idea where all this doubt has come from, I've been so happy. But I just can't shake it, this is my problem- I'm way too messed up to ever be good enough for anyone. I feel my eyes closing again and I don't fight it, I'm too exhausted- physically and mentally.

_I feel a hand close around my neck from behind and another hand grabbing my gun that I'm desperately hanging on to. I try to fight, feeling the hand grow tighter and tighter around my neck, struggling to catch my breath. I hear a laugh come from my attacker as I struggle against him, trying to get free. I try to scream, hoping someone will save me, but no one is coming._

"Erin! Wake up!" I'm shaken awake by a concerned looking Jay. I sit bolt upright in the bed, my heart hammering loudly in my chest. Jay puts a hand on my back, rubbing it soothingly but I flinch away from him. Looking at him I realise I've hurt his feelings, but how can I explain the fact it's a reflex reaction to him? Instead I turn away from him, climbing out of the bed and walking through to the kitchen. It's only 4am but I know I'm not going to sleep anymore, so I put some coffee on. I hear Jay's footsteps on the floor, heading in my direction. I let out a quiet sigh, I was hoping he'd just leave it because I'm really not in the mood to talk about this right now. To be honest, I don't think I'll ever be in the mood to talk about this. He comes to a stop, leaning on the worktop behind me. He exhales loudly, and I can almost hear him thinking. This isn't going to be good.

Eventually, he speaks, and I really wish he hadn't. "Erin, I think you need to talk to someone about this." He says, and I feel my heart stop for a second. I take a breath, trying to control my emotions. "What are you trying to say?" I ask him, turning to face him. I thought I'd got control of my emotions, but even I can hear the acid in my voice. Jay frowns slightly, pausing before he speaks again. "Like a therapist Erin, Voight agrees-" He starts and I can't keep myself in check this time. "You and Voight have been talking about me behind my back?! How could you do this to me?!" I yell back at him. I can almost see the regret flicker across his face, clearly he wishes he'd never started this one. "Erin-" He starts again, but the anger inside me has hit boiling point. A small part of me somewhere deep down knows he's right, I can't carry on like this, but the rest of me is absolutely furious that he's dared to suggest this, let alone discuss it with Voight. "Get out." I say quietly, but the anger and betrayal is more evident in my voice than when I'd shouted. He stands his ground in front of me for a moment, until I speak again. "Get the hell out of my apartment Halstead." I growl at him, watching his face drop as he realises I'm being deadly serious. I stand in the kitchen, watching him walk across my apartment then hearing the click of the door closing behind him. I can't find the words to describe the anguish I feel, sat on the floor of my apartment alone. But maybe it's better, I'm so screwed up that he's better off without me.


	11. Chapter 11

_'But the memories that hang the heaviest are the easiest to recall. They hold in their creases the ability to change one's life forever. Even when you shake them out they've left permanent wrinkles in the fabric of your soul.'_

* * *

_Jay's P.O.V._

I stand on the other side of the apartment door and lean against it for a few moments. I can't quite believe this has actually just happened, that Erin's actually just thrown me out of her apartment at 4am. I should have listened to Voight, let him have that conversation with her, but for some stupid reason I thought she'd listen to me. It takes me a few moments standing there to realise she's not going to come out and apologise to me, that she really did mean what she said. I slowly walk away from the apartment, getting in my car and driving home.

When I get home, I sit on the sofa and stare at my phone. Hoping, waiting. I know she's not going to call me. She was furious, I don't know if I've ever really seen her that angry. There's something more going on here than just that night at the warehouse, I know that. Part of me wants to go and stand outside her front door and knock and yell until she answers, then somehow force her to talk to me. But if I know anything about Erin Lindsay, it's that trying to force information out of her wont get me anywhere. I'm going to have to be patient, and hope that she decides she's ready to talk about it, that she's ready to forgive me. Until she does, there's no point in me even trying, as much as I want to.

After a few more moments I lift my phone up and dial Voight's number. I can't just leave her like this. I need to know she's ok. I know she's probably not going to be any happier with Voight than she is with me, but it might be worth a try. He answers his phone sleepily and I then realise it's only 5am. I apologise quickly, and he soon wakes up as I explain to him what's happened. We seem to have reached some kind of understanding over Erin, which has surprised me considering how against it Voight was to begin with. He doesn't say much on the phone, but then again it wasn't exactly a social call. He reassures me he'll get in touch with Erin and make sure she's ok, and he tries to convince me that it'll all be ok, that she'll come around but to be honest I'm not sure if she'll ever totally forgive me this.

* * *

_Erin's P.O.V._

I've got no idea how long I spent sat on the kitchen floor, my back pressed against the cupboards. This is exactly the reason why I knew Jay would leave me in the end, I'm just too screwed up to ever be good enough for anyone. Especially Jay. I can hear my phone vibrating somewhere in the apartment, it's probably Jay. I know we can't leave it like this, that we need to talk about this. But how can I talk to him about this? If he knows, he'll never look at me the same way again. None of this is his fault, I should have listened to Voight. He really was just looking out for Halstead, it was as if he knew I'd screw this up. He probably did to be honest, Voight knows me that well. I can't help but wonder sometimes why he bothered to save me. I mean, what was the point?

I'm still mulling that over when there's a loud bang on my door. My heart skips for a moment, maybe it's Jay. As much as I want to get up off this floor, to apologise and explain everything it's like I'm rooted to the spot. I just can't make myself move. There's a few more loud bangs, then a few moments silence. I close my eyes, leaning my head back. I can feel a salty taste on my lips and it puzzles me for a moment, then I realise what it is. Tears. I haven't cried for years, I'm not even sure if i cried properly the day Jules died. It's just not something I do. So how the hell have I ended up curled up on my kitchen floor crying in the early hours of the morning?

There's one more loud bang and the sound of splintering wood. I barely even register that it's happening. The fact it sounds as though someone is breaking down my apartment door should worry me more than this. But I stay there, on the kitchen floor, still hoping I'm going to wake up, that this is all a part of the nightmare. But it isn't, and deep down I know that. Deep down I know that I screamed and Jay and sent him away, and that breaks my heart.

I hear the footsteps crossing my apartment floor, and then someone sits down next to me. He doesn't say anything, he just sits down next to me on the floor and puts a hand on my knee. I want to be angry with him, but I just don't think I've got it in me anymore. I feel drained, empty. Almost void of emotion. I haven't felt like this in such a long time. "We gonna talk about this kid?" His raspy voice breaks the silence eventually. He says it tentatively, as though he's expecting me to explode. It reminds me of the way I've seen him talk to suicidal people, talking them down off a ledge. It takes me by surprise a bit. I'd been half expecting him to come in here and kick my butt for what I'd done to Halstead.

I feel the tears welling up in my eyes again and I try to hold them back. I think I've only ever cried in front of Voight twice the whole time I've known him, and that was years ago. I gasp for breath, trying to hold the emotion back and failing miserably. Voight's arms go around me and pull me closer as the tears start to flow. "It's gonna be ok kid…. It always is in the end.." He murmurs, the words are familiar to me- it's not the first time he's said them to me. He sits there patiently, holding me tightly while I sob and sob. I haven't said it, but he knows there's so much more to this than just my injuries and the fight with Jay. There's years and years of pent up emotion coming out, memories that I've tried so hard to bury that are resurfacing. Eventually I manage to get a handle on my emotions, but I don't move away from him. He strokes my hair gently as he speaks again. "You need to talk to him Erin, explain.. He'll understand." He says quietly. I shake my head violently. Voight sighs before he speaks again. "If you're sure then I can't make you… But I can make you come and stay with me for a few days until you sort yourself out." He says, and I know from the tone of his voice he's not going to let me argue with him. Maybe he's right, maybe I need some time and a change of scenery to sort myself out. I take his hand and let him pull me to my feet, following him out of my apartment. "You're paying for that door." I mutter as I survey the damage he's done. I hear him laugh quietly behind me. "Whatever you say kid." He laughs, getting in to his car.


	12. Chapter 12

_Hey guys, the updates might take a while after this- I've got exams coming up now and I've got to do heaps of extra shifts at work now because I'm going to Australia in August! Anyway, please let me know what you think!_

* * *

_Erin's P.O.V._

It's weird, being back at Voight's, I don't tend to come back here much anymore. It holds a lot of memories for me, of those first few days with Voight, of the struggle he went through to try and keep me on the right path. I owe him everything for what he did for me, I know that. But sitting here, looking at these four familiar blue walls I feel like a scared and frightened teenager again. I've over reacted to what Jay said, I'm well aware of that. I should just apologise, but I can't make myself do it. It's childish of me, but I need some time. I need to clear my head, try and get my thoughts straight in my head. I lie back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. I spent hours like this when I was younger, staring at the white ceiling, thinking about pretty much everything in my life. I can feel my eyes drooping closed, the tiredness setting in as a result of so many nights without proper sleep.

_I can feel them all looking at me, staring, whispering and laughing. I look down at the ground and move quickly through the halls, trying to avoid eye contact with anyone. I thought I'd got away from my past when I'd moved in with Voight. He'd gotten me in to this school and I'd just made up who I was. Anything had to be better than people knowing the truth. So I'd lied, said I was staying with Voight while my parents were travelling, and it was great for a while. I was doing everything I'd ever dreamed of, finally had a normal life. But someone found out that I was lying, and trust me- no one in high school ever looks at you the same when they find out that you're a street kid and that your Dad's in jail and your Mom's a junkie. I pull my jacket up around me, trying to cover my face as a rush through the halls. I can feel their eyes on me, hear their whispers. I guess I can wave my normal life goodbye yet again._

My eyes snap open again, and I feel the relief wash through me. Thank God it was just a dream. I hear a light tapping on the door. "Can I come in?" Voight calls quietly through the door. He's opened the door before I can even get my words out. He sits down on the edge of the bed, looking at me. I can tell from his facial expression he's worrying, and I feel guilty. He doesn't need to be worrying about me. "I just… I don't know anymore Voight… I just don't know.." I whisper and he smiles at me sadly. He puts a hand on my arm and shakes his head slightly. "You need to talk to him Erin. He's worried about you. This has been hard on him too y'know?" He says it tentatively, as though he's waiting for me to explode again.

I'm not angry this time though, it's just a feeling of sadness that's left. The fact that I'm this messed up that I can't let anyone in. That I find it easier to scream at Jay and push him away than to let him in to what's going on in my head. I nod my head slowly and Voight frowns at me slightly. "I'm serious Erin, either you talk to him or I will." He says firmly, before getting up and walking out of the room. I sit there for a moment, resting my chin on my knees. Voight's right, I need to get up off my ass, to go and talk to Jay. But I don't want him to look at me any differently, I don't want him to look at me like those kids in high school did. Just the thought of him looking at me like that, halfway between pity and disgust makes me feel sick.

I'm still sat there, staring into space hours later when Voight comes back. "I've brought you a visitor." He says, clearing his throat. I jump visibly at the sound of his voice. I'd been totally lost in thought. It takes me a moment to digest his words. I look up at him. If he's brought Halstead here then I'm leaving. How dare he do this?! As Voight steps back Kim peeks nervously around the door frame. "I'll leave you guys to it." Voight says, closing the door behind Kim. "We've all been worried about you!" Kim says, sitting down on the bed next to me. I give her a half smile. "Sorry, I've got a lot on my mind…" I trail off, looking at her. "I know Erin, that's why I'm here…. And can I just say, I nearly had a freaking heart attack when Platt said Voight wanted to see me! I was convinced I'd done something wrong!" Kim exclaims, and my smile is a little more genuine this time. I'd forgotten how much I love Kim.

There's a few moments pause before Kim speaks again. "So, you gonna tell me what's going on here? Halstead looked like he'd seen a ghost." Kim says quietly, crossing her legs as she sits opposite me on the bed. I feel my heart skip slightly as she says his name. I'd never wanted to hurt him, quite the opposite actually. I look up at her, and she smiles encouragingly. I hesitate for a few moments. I never talk to anyone about my past, not even Jay knows the whole thing and I'm not entirely sure I really want to tell her. "I… I can't Kim, I'm sorry… I just- I don't talk about this. Ever. and…" I trail off, unsure of what to say next. She just smiles at me, much to my relief. "That's fine- but you can at least tell me what happened with Halstead!" She says, putting a hand on my knee. I look at her, and I know I can trust her, something I've always been frightened to do. It makes me sad as my mind wanders, wondering if Jules would be sat here with me now instead if she'd made it. I snap back in to reality and look at Kim. She's right, I need to talk to someone about this.

I take a deep breath and clear my throat, struggling with my words. I've never been good at conversations like this, the whole concept of sharing emotion is just entirely alien to me. "I- I'm sorry… It's pretty stupid Kim, trust me. We had this stupid fight and… I've been having nightmares… They started off being about the attack, but now it's just so much more… And they're about things I never talk about… Things I never wanted to remember… And I don't want to tell him Kim…. I don't want him to look at me the way all those other people did… Is that so wrong of me?" My voice is almost a whisper by the end, I almost don't want to hear her answer. "What is it that makes you so scared to open up to him Erin? He cares." She says quietly, looking at me. I blink back the tears in my eyes as I try and work out what to say to her. "Because everyone always leaves me in the end." I say quietly, my voice raw with the emotion. It's true, all the broken promises, all the friends that said they'd be there forever and no matter what happened. They never stuck around and why would Jay be any different. No one wants to be stuck with someone as messed up as me. Kim shakes her head sadly and puts her arms around me, pulling me close as the tears spill down my cheeks. "That's not true Erin. You know that." She whispers in my ear as she holds me tight. 'I'd love to believe her, but what's the point in getting my hopes up only to have them crushed yet again?

_Jay's P.O.V._

Driving back from the precinct I debated going to a bar and getting so drunk that this was all just a distant memory. I stopped myself though, I'm not stupid enough to believe that me drowning it in alcohol is the solution to this problem. I need to give her time and space, she'll talk when she's ready- that's what Voight told me. In principle, I know he's right but I'm really struggling not to drive over there and beg her to let me in. At least I know she's safe with Voight, but it doesn't compare to the feeling of having her in my arms and knowing she's safe. I've got so used to her being there with me all the time, my bed felt weirdly empty this morning. I rolled over, to the space where Erin usually is and was met by cold and empty sheets.

I sit on the sofa, staring at the tv which is playing a film which hasn't caught my attention at all. All I can think about is her. I've picked up my phone a few times, my fingers hovering over the keys to dial her number. I put it back down again though, reminding myself to give her some space. My heart leaps as I hear a knock on the front door, I have to remind myself to keep my excitement in check because the odds are this isn't going to be the person I want it to be. Much to my shock, when I open my apartment door I find a very tired looking Erin Lindsay standing on the other side. She steps through the door and in to my apartment without either of us saying anything. She turns to face me and we stand there, facing eachother in silence- each waiting for the other to speak.

I don't say anything, convinced anything I say will be the wrong thing. "I'm sorry… I owe you an explanation for this Jay, I really do… But I can't… at least not right now… Maybe one day….. But you need to know… I'm so, so sorry Jay… But we can't do this…. I'm sorry." Her voice is barely audible at the end of her sentence. I'm left stood there, absolutely dumbstruck by what's just happened. She steps towards me, gently presses her lips to my cheek and then she's gone, out of the door before I even get the chance to process what just happened.


	13. Chapter 13

_Thanks so much for reading and reviewing. The next chapter might take a little while- I'm not totally sure how I'm going to do it yet- So if you've got any suggestions or anything you'd like to see happen then let me know! Enjoy!_

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_Jay's P.O.V_

Eleven. That's how many days have passed since Erin Lindsay came to my apartment and told me we can't do this, kissed me and then left.. Eleven days of nothing, silence. No contact from her at all. I've tried texting her and calling her but she doesn't answer. Maybe I should just accept that she doesn't want me anymore and move on, but I don't feel like I can move on until I know why this has happened. Surely she at least owes me some kind of explanation? I'd like to think she does, then again Erin's never really been one for explanations unless she feels like it. I guess there's a chance I'll never know why then. It's sad, my apartment just seems so empty now. Ruzek keeps telling me off for moping, trying to set me up with an endless stream of blind dates that I refuse to go on.

I sit there, tapping my fingers absentmindedly on my desk. It's been a bit of a slow week at work, much to my disappointment. I could do with some action right now, something to take my mind off her. My eyes wander over to her desk, it's the total opposite to mine. Organised and everything neatly in its place. Mine is covered in paperwork that I still need to finish- another reason I'm hoping for a case, then I won't have to finish this. The sound of the gate at the bottom of the stairs slamming jolts me back in to reality. Everyone else looks up from their desks. We've all been sat here waiting for Voight to arrive, and I'm really hoping he's bringing us a case.

What I wasn't prepared for, was for Erin Lindsay to walk up the stairs with him. She doesn't say anything, she just stands next to Voight at the top of the steps, looking around nervously. Her eyes meet mine for a second before she quickly looks away. Voight clears his throat, getting everyone's attention back. "Ok then, remember the dealer who was running his operation out of that warehouse?" Voight asks, looking around at all of us. Everyone's eyes automatically wander to Erin. No one is going to forget that night in a hurry, thats for sure. Her face remains totally neutral as she nods to Voight, but I can see it in her eyes. The memories of that night, resurfacing yet again. What a day for her to decide to come back. Voight also looks at Erin for a moment, and I can see him silently questioning her. "Well, we thought we'd got the ringleader- but as it turns out we were wrong. They've started up again somewhere, we're gonna have to work out where and go and stop him." His eyes wander to Erin again and I start to feel a bit sick at the thought of it. "Halstead and Antonio, go check this out." Voight says, passing a piece of paper to Antonio. "Olinsky and Ruzek, take this one. Me and Lindsay will take last one." He says, passing addresses around. My heart drops for a second, it was stupid of me to think the Erin would work with me. Of course she wasn't going to spend all day sat in the car with me, she's not even talking to me.

* * *

_Erin's P.O.V._

I wait until the rest of the unit have gone before I turn to face Voight, glaring at him. "Seriously?" I hiss at him. He'd told me this morning they had a special case he wanted my help on and that it was time I came back to work. But this, seriously? I thought he'd meant a nice easy case, guaranteed to end well to ease me back in to it. Apparently he's trying to get me killed, or at least make me have a nervous breakdown. The second one seems quite likely right now. He looks at me for a moment, frowning. I'm surprised he can't hear my heart hammering in my chest right now. He looks at me and smiles slightly. "Seriously. You can do this." He says, pushing me gently towards the door. I walk along next to him, my hands pushed in to my pockets to hide the fact they're shaking.

We get in to Voight's car, and thankfully he drives. I don't think I could concentrate enough to drive anywhere right now, my mind is whizzing around at 100mph. I can do this, that's what I tell myself. I'm a good cop, I've been trained for situations like these. I'll be fine. I keep repeating it in my head, trying to make myself believe it. it's irrational, I know the guy who attacked me is dead. I watched him drop down on to the floor next to me, an imagine I'll never be able to erase from my mind. There's still the irrational part of my mind that fears it might happen again. Voight stops the car, tucked just out of sight and we both sit there for a moment. Then I realise what we're watching. An old abandoned warehouse. I very nearly lose my breakfast there and then. "Are you actually taking the piss?" I glare at Voight. This is getting ridiculous. "It's your job Erin, deal with it." He says simply, without even taking his eyes of the road. I sigh loudly. He's right, and he knows it. This is my job, the job I need to remind myself that I love. I can do this. At least he's not making me work with Halstead. Thank God for small mercies.

We sit there, watching and waiting. I really struggle to keep focused on the warehouse in front of me. My mind keeps wandering to Halstead's expression when I walked in this morning. It was a look I'd never seen on his face before. What I've done isn't fair on him, I know that. I was hoping he'd move on, find someone new. That he'd find someone who deserved him, who was good enough for him. But, Kim tells me that Ruzek's been trying to set him up with more or less every woman in Chicago to no avail. I need to talk to him, I know that. But I know if I stand there and look at him, if I explain why I can't be with him, I'll crumble. I just don't think I'm strong enough to do it. I'm afraid I'll let him convince me it can work, and that I'll end up getting my heart broken all over again. I'm still staring at the road in front of me when the radio crackles into life, making me jump back to reality. "We have the suspects in sight." Antonio says over the radio. Voight starts the car, driving off to meet them. My heart is in my mouth the whole way there, my pulse is racing. I'm not sure I can do this.


	14. Chapter 14

_Erin's P.O.V._

It doesn't look like I'm getting any choice about doing this. Voight doesn't speak to me, he just drives quickly to the location, weaving in and out of the traffic. I close my eyes, trying to pull myself together. I feel sick, my heart is racing. I should have stayed home today. I'm definitely not listening to Voight ever again. I just need to get through this, put on a brave face and do my job, I can sit and cry at home later. We reach the rest of the unit all too soon for my liking. I was hoping the journey would take so much longer, I'm in desperate need of some time to psych myself up for this. It's odd, I used to love doing this- I used to live for the buzz of catching people like the ones we're after now. But all I can think of now is the paralysing fear I felt lying on the floor in the warehouse, and the fear I feel now that it could happen again.

It takes me a few moments to realise that Voight's got out of the car, and he's looking at me expectantly. I slowly step out of the car, my knees feel weak with the adrenaline that's coursing around my body. I push my hands deep in to my pockets, no one needs to know how shaky they are. We join the rest of the unit, stood behind a building so we're just out of sight. I look around at their faces quickly. They all look so focused, so ready for this. I shouldn't be here. I'm not ready for this. My eyes settle on Halstead, my cheeks flushing as I meet his eyes. He's looking straight at me, and I can see the concern on his face. I tear my eyes away from his, looking at Voight who's discussing some form of plan with Antonio.

After a few moments they've decided on a course of action. My heart is in my mouth as I strap on my vest, the vest I haven't worn since that night. I'm surprised no one can hear my heart hammering in my chest. I'm amazed I'm still standing, my knees feel as though they're about to give way. I take a deep breath, trying to calm myself. "Ok, Olinsky, Ruzek and Antonio- Take the front. Me, Lindsay and Halstead will take the back. No one splits up under any circumstances- and I mean _any _circumstances." Voight says, looking around at us all. In any other situation I would have laughed, Voight seemed as though he was trying to tip me over the edge. But truth be told I'm actually pretty glad, there's no two people I'd rather have by my side for this- not that I'll ever actually admit that to them.

We move around the back of the warehouse and I try desperately to surpress the memories of that night. I can't help but think back to how calm and relaxed me and Jay had been, as though we were invincible, like there was no way it could possibly go wrong. I guess I had sort of felt invincible until that point, that's the problem when you do this for a living. I definitely don't feel invincible anymore. The scars that cover my body are evidence of that. As we walk around to the back door, Voight whispers something to Halstead that I don't quite catch- it's about me no doubt. I don't mind too much, I know they've both got my back. I know that they care. Correction. I know that Voight cares. Halstead probably hates me right now, and I deserve it. We stop at the back door, looking at each other. We all raise our guns and wait for the signal. I try desperately to steady my shaking hands. I need to concentrate on this right now, I can deal with all the stuff in my head later. I need to focus or I'm going to be the reason someone doesn't come out of here alive.

I hear the signal over the radio and it's as though my body goes into auto pilot, thankfully. Voight breaks down the door easily, and I follow him and Halstead inside quickly. It's dimly lit inside and I can feel the water on the floor seeping in to my shoes. I squint slightly as my eyes adjust to the poor lighting. We move silently down the corridor, constantly checking over our shoulders. Now I'm in here doing it, it's easy not to think about it. It almost comes as second nature to me now. Maybe I can do this. We move further down the corridor clearing the offices and storage areas that come off it. The second one that we go in to isn't empty though. Don't think about it, just don't think about it. I tell myself. I'm much better when I don't think, when I just let my training take over. I bring my gun up, aiming it at one of the two suspects in front of me as I yell at him to drop his weapon. Thankfully he does, because I'm not sure if I could've held it together if not. I get the handcuffs on him quickly, kicking his discarded gun away from him. Halstead gets handcuffs on the other one to after a few moments wrestling him and I let out a quiet sigh of relief.

We drag them both out through the warehouse and shove them in to the back of a waiting patrol car. Only then do I feel myself relax. I lean against the side of Voight's car, waiting for him. My mind is still racing, but I can feel the relief that it's over now, but much to my dismay my eyes are filling with tears and I don't even know why. I notice someone walk up beside me and lean against the car. Halstead. He looks over at me as I try to hide my face from him. He doesn't need to know I'm crying, I need to convince everyone I'm fine. He doesn't say anything, he just puts an arm around my shoulders and squeezes me gently. It only makes me cry more though, for everything that could have been if I was good enough for him. For everything we could have had. It's such hard work, not to turn and bury my face in his chest, to tell him everything on my mind. He doesn't deserve to be burdened with all my problems though. He's way too good for me, something I really wish I'd realised before I let myself fall in love with him.

A few moments later Voight appears beside us. He nods at Halstead, who quickly removes his arm from my shoulders and leaves. "Come here kid- you did good." Voight says quietly, putting an arm around me. We stand there like that for a moment while I try and pull myself together. I'm so lucky to have Voight, I know that. "Let's get you home." He says quietly and I shake my head. "I want to finish this." I say quietly, trying to convince myself that I do. Actually, I want nothing more than to go home and eat as much ice cream as I can- but I also know I can't just sit and wallow in self pity forever. I need to move on with my life- starting with doing my job, no matter how hard it's going to be. I need to get my life back on track.

It's a quiet drive back to the district, Voight leaving me to my thoughts. It surprised me, the fact I managed to deal with that- maybe I can get my life back on track, maybe I just need to pull myself together and get on with it. I keep thinking back over Jay. Maybe he doesn't hate me, maybe we could work things out- no, who am I kidding? I'll end up messing it up and hurting him. It's for the best, that's what I try and tell myself. I can't help but remember though, lying in the back of the ambulance- one of my biggest regrets was that Jay and I had never had our 'one day' that we'd never given things a change properly. I can't help but wonder if I'm going to be left regretting this decision, wondering what could have been if I'd made a different decision.

Voight drops me off at the station, heading back out to do something- I didn't really listen to the details. I head back up the steps to intelligence and sit down at my desk. It seems odd, the fact it's still exactly as I left it that night. So much has changed since that night it just doesn't seem right. I keep my head down focused on my work, I can feel Jay's eyes on me and I know if I look up at him I'm going to be tempted to talk to him, to beg for forgiveness. I can't do that to him. He needs to find someone so much better than me. Someone who deserves him, someone who can make him happy. I'm not that person, as much as I wish I was.

I'm so engrossed in my work, I don't even realise how late it's got. I look up from the computer and realise it's dark outside, and that everyone has left. Apart from Jay that is. I quickly look back down at my computer as I meet his eyes. This can't happen. I hear him stop typing, the sound of his chair scraping across the floor and then footsteps. I can practically feel his body heat as he stands behind me. He leans around me, sitting on the edge of my desk and putting a hand on my shoulder. "We need to talk about this Erin." He says quietly, and it makes my heart skip. I can't do this, I can't look him in the eye and tell him that it's over, that I don't have any feelings for him. Just being this close to him makes me want to throw my arms around him. I can't do this.

I don't say anything, looking back at my computer and resume typing. It's pointless though, I know he's not going to give up until I answer him. He leans across in front of me, switching off my computer. I stop typing and silence fills the room. He just sits there, on the edge of my desk, looking at me. The feelings of regret bubble up to the surface yet again, it could have been so fantastic. "Erin?" He whispers, looking at me again. I don't know what it is about the way he looks at me, but it just makes me want to confess everything, it makes me want to put my arms around him and pretend the world around us doesn't exist.

I can't though. We can't. It won't work, no point pretending. I stand up quickly, grabbing my jacket from the back of my chair and heading for the door. "Erin! Wait!" He calls after me, grabbing my shoulder again and spinning me around to face him. "Please! Talk to me!" He pleads with me. This is exactly why we can't be together. I run from my problems, hide my emotions. I'll never be able to be the person he wants me to be. I'll end up hurting him, and I won't be able to live with myself for doing it. "I'm not good enough Jay, I'll never be good enough for you. That's why we can't." I say quietly, shrugging out from under his hand and running down the stairs before he has a chance to say anything. As I rush out of the door of the door I nearly take Voight out. "Erin?" He asks, steadying me as I nearly fall over from the impact. "I need to get home." I choke out, and he nods, handing me his car keys silently. I take them greatfuly, running to the car. I don't want Halstead to have any chance to talk to me. I just can't anymore.

I'm still lying curled up on the bed in Voight's spare room when I hear the front door open half an hour later. I don't get up, hoping Voight will think I'm asleep and won't disturb me. I'm really not in the mood to talk about this with anyone, especially not Voight. Considering he told me I wasn't allowed to date Halstead he's been oddly keen on me telling Jay everything. It doesn't matter what he says though- I can't tell him. I just can't face the idea of him giving me that look of pity or disgust when he hears the whole story, finds out everything I did when I was younger. If he knew then he'd finally understand why I'll never be good enough for him.

The door to the bedroom creaks open and my heart sinks. I'm so not in the mood for this. I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to pretend I'm asleep. I feel the bed dip as he sits down next to me. "I know you're not asleep." The shock of the voice makes my eyes fly open. I open them to find Jay sat on the edge of the bed, smiling down at me. "Jay, please I-" I start but he cuts me off. "Please Erin- Hear me out?" He asks, looking at me. I sit up, leaning against the headboard and he sits cross legged on the bed opposite me. I think about throwing him out, I don't want to listen to this- it's only going to make it worse. But I know what he's like, he's not going to leave. I cross my legs awkwardly, waiting for him to speak, praying he'll leave afterwards before I say or do something that I might regret later on.

"What you said earlier Erin, about not being good enough? What do you mean? I just… I can't understand what would make you feel that way?" He says quietly, trying to hold my gaze as I avoid his eyes. This was a bad idea, what am I supposed to say to that? I can hardly tell him everything- can I? A little part of me wonders if it would be easier, easier to just tell him the truth, to just deal with the way he's going to look at me. Maybe then he'll finally accept it and move on. I realise he's looking at me, waiting for an answer. "Because it's the truth." I whisper so quietly I wonder if he's even heard me. I see the surprise cross his face, clearly he heard. He exhales loudly before he speaks again. "Why on earth would you believe that?" He says, moving closer to me so our legs are resting against each other. I pull my legs back away from his, ducking my head. I can't deal with him looking at me like that- this is exactly why I didn't want to have this conversation. "You know nothing about me Jay, none of you do. You don't know who I am, what I've done. There's so many reasons I could list why we can't be together Jay." I say quietly, praying he'll just accept it and leave. I don't want to have to go into all the details. He's silent for a moment, and just when I think he's going to leave he speaks again. "I don't care- whatever it is Erin. I-" I cut him off, I can't listen to this anymore, it's taking every ounce of strength I have in me not to lean over and kiss him right now. I can't do it. "You might say that now, but trust me Jay. Somewhere along the line it's going to matter, you're going to realise just how screwed up I am and you're going to leave and I can't deal with that. It's better this way." I say, trying to fight back the tears gathering in my eyes. It kills me to say those words but I know it's for the best. I look down at the bed, waiting for him to get up and leave me- just like everyone else always does.


	15. Chapter 15

_Jay's P.O.V._

I sit there for a moment, stunned into silence. I can't believe that the Erin Lindsay I've come to know and love could ever be so ridiculously insecure. I've got no idea what to say to her, I don't think anything I could ever say would be enough to convince her that I won't run off and leave her, that I'm not going to break her heart. I thought I was going to get my ass kicked when Voight dragged me into his office earlier. The last thing I'd expected was for him to sit me down to talk about Erin. I knew he was worried about her, I just hadn't realised how worried. He'd told me about hearing her screaming during the night, something I can relate to well. I can see it in her face, the exhaustion from not sleeping properly for weeks. I want to be able to make it all better for her, to wave a magic wand. I wish she'd let me in, that she'd let me try and help her. Voight had told me everything about her past, about how he'd found her- but he'd sworn me to secrecy. If only she knew that none of it makes me feel any differently about her.

It takes me a few minutes to speak, I just don't know what to say to her anymore. She's like an empty shell of the person I used to know, sitting there, staring down at the bed. "I don't care about your past Erin- it makes no difference to me-" I start, but I'm soon cut off. "You can't possibly say that- You've got no idea about what I've done!" She shrieks at me. In a way I'm glad she's getting angry, this Erin I know how to deal with. I'd much rather she yelled at me than having to watch her sit here looking so defeated. "I know everything! I don't care about any of it!" I say before I've even thought about it. Voight's going to kill me. Crap.

She sits there for a few moments, an unreadable expression on her face. I'm half expecting her to slap me, or to storm out to go and slap Voight. "Excuse me?" She chokes out eventually, looking me in the eye for the first time. I know I need to tread carefully here, if I say this wrong she's never going to let me in. I honestly don't believe any way I say this is going to be the 'right' way to say it though. I might just have to cross my fingers and hope- I think this is actually more terrifying than being shot at. "Voight told me everything Erin…. Your parents, the drugs-" I start slowly, but she cuts me off. "I get the picture- no need to repeat it all! What even gives him the right to do that?! How dare you two talk about me behind my back-" It's my turn to interrupt her this time, although it's possibly not a good idea. "He told me because he cares Erin! Just like I do- why do you find that so bloody difficult to believe?" I have to remind myself not to yell, it's just so frustrating that she won't believe that I care.

She sits there for a minute, just staring at me. I have no idea what's going on in her head at the moment. She's the total opposite of the Erin I usually work with. She's usually so confident and sure of herself, constantly laughing and joking. How did I not notice there was more going on than just nightmares about the attack? God I'm such an idiot. "If I believe it… If I let you in, you're just going to leave me in the end…. It's going to break my heart Jay…. I just can't let that happen….." She says quietly, her voice breaking at the end. She buries her face in her hands and I hear her let out a quiet sob. Without even thinking about it I scoot across the bed and pull her in to my arms. She stiffens to start with and I think she's going to pull away from me, but she doesn't. I feel her relax against me and she turns her head towards my chest. I can feel the sobs shaking through her body as I hold her tightly. I wish she'd let me help her, that there was some way I could convince her I'm not going to leave her. I don't want it to take another near death experience to make her realise how she feels.

Eventually, she stops crying but she doesn't pull away from me. I'm glad, I don't want to let go of her. I've missed her more than she'll ever realise. "I've missed this." She says quietly, resting her head against my chest. I wonder if I've heard her right, I've been waiting to hear her say those words for so long. I don't get a chance to say anything in response to her though, she starts speaking again. "I'd love to believe it will all work out Jay, that we'll live happily ever after and have nice house and grow old together… But what are the chances of that actually happening? It wont. Something will happen, you'll get fed up with dealing with all my crap, I'll do something stupid and mess it up…. Happiness doesn't happen to people like me Jay." She says and I can hear the resignation in her voice, it's heart breaking.

I put my hand under her chin, making her look up at me. I can feel her breath on my face and I feel my heart start to race. "I know you don't believe me, but I love you. Every single thing Erin. Every last little thing. I'm not going to get fed up with you, I'm not going to find someone better… I'm not going to leave you…. I don't know how you want me to prove this to you- I don't even know if I can…. I need you to believe me." I say, almost pleadingly. I desperately want her to believe me, I can't stand the thought of her believing that she's not worth it. She doesn't say anything, she just slowly looks back down again and I don't know if that's a good thing or not. We just sit there together, silently. Each of us thinking. She sits there in my arms for so long I start to get my hopes up that maybe I might have got through to her. Any hopes I have are soon shattered though as she pulls herself from my arms and turns away from me. "You need to go." She says coldly, refusing to look at me. I just get up slowly and walk away, nothing I say is going to make any difference to her while she's like this. I'll just have to hope that she changes her mind soon, because seeing her like this is killing me.


	16. Chapter 16

"_Almost everyone still has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they'll open their eyes and it will all come true. At the end of the day, faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale might be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it's not so important that it's happy ever after, just that it's happy right now. See, once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you. And once in a while, people may even take your breath away."_

* * *

_Erin's P.O.V._

I hear his footsteps, then the click of the door closing. I stand there for a few moments, staring at the wall in front of me. How did it come to this? I honestly thought that it was going to be happy ever after, like some kind of fairy tale. I don't think I've ever been as happy as the time I've spent with Jay, everything just felt so right. It took everything I had in me to send him away, but I can't do this to him. He might say he doesn't care about what I've done now, but sooner or later I'll end up hurting him. It's for the best, that's what I'm trying to tell myself anyway. I look around the room again, wondering what to do. My eyes come to rest on the bag sat in the corner of the room. Maybe getting away for a few days would help. Maybe then I'll finally be able to clear my head, maybe me and Jay can go back to being friends and everything can go back to normal.

I grab the bag off the floor, quickly packing the clothes that have accumulated at Voight's during the time I've been staying with him. I pull the clothes out of the draws and shove them in to the bag quickly, I want to get out of here before Voight comes back- or worse still Halstead comes back to try again. This is bringing back the memories of the night I left my home and came to live with Voight. Shoving the few belongings I had into a bag as quickly as I could, trying to get out before my parents came back from whatever they'd been doing that night. I shake the memories off, now isn't the time. This is different, I need to remember that.

It doesn't take me as long as I expect. I'm out the door and in my car long before Voight gets home. I start driving without any real idea of where I'm going. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all. I mean seriously, what am I supposed to do? Spend the rest of my life hiding from my feelings? I love Chicago, I love my job, I love…. no I can't think about that right now. This needs to stop. Then I realise where I am. Without even thinking about it I've driven to his house. I stop the car outside and just sit there for a minute, thinking. I shouldn't do this, I told myself I wouldn't. It's for his own good, he's better off without me. The problem is, the longer I sit here the more I want to go and knock on his door, to talk to him and beg for forgiveness.

The knock on the window makes me jump, I'd been totally lost in thought. I look around and there he is. My heart is racing and my mouth has gone dry. I just stare at him, no words forming in my mouth at all. He opens the door to the car and stands there, looking at me for a moment. He realises pretty quickly that I don't know what to say to him. He takes my hand from the steering wheel, pulling me gently out of the car. I follow him, even though my head is screaming at me not to. This is a bad idea, I just can't convince myself of that. Maybe I could be good enough for him, maybe things could work out…. No. I need to stop thinking like that. I'll hurt him, just like I end up hurting everyone else. He keeps hold of my hand tightly, and I know he's not going to let me leave without any explanation at all.

He pulls me along, all the way in to his apartment where I sit awkwardly on the edge of his sofa. I'm grateful for the beer he passes me, my mouths never been so dry- besides I might need more than a little liquid courage if I'm going to tell him everything. He just sits there, looking at me, watching and waiting. My heart is still hammering in my chest, the words just won't come out. "Do you remember when we first started working together?" I blurt out, needing to break the silence. Maybe if i just start talking the words will come out without me even thinking. He nods at me, a smile on his face. I can't help but smile to. It seems like such a long time ago. "I have to admit, you kinda scared me!" He laughs, looking at me. I laugh to, remembering that day. "Not as much are your driving scared me!" I laugh, punching his arm playfully. That was the one and only time I'd ever let him drive while we were working, I'd said never again at the time and he thought I was joking- I wasn't.

It's weird, sitting here like this everything seems so normal. It's as though nothing ever happened, like we're back in a time when we used to spend nearly every evening together after work, when we used to laugh and joke about everything. I hadn't realised how much I've missed this. "I'm sorry." I blurt it out, I need to let these words tumble out before I can stop them. He deserves the truth. The smile fades from his face and he looks at me seriously, which nearly makes me lose my words all over again. He smiles slightly, encouraging me. "I'm so sorry, I just…. I'm not good enough for you…. and you might say now that you don't care what I've done, how screwed up I am- but trust me Jay, one day it's going to matter. One day you'll wake up and realise that you can do so much better and you'll leave me… I can't deal with that, so maybe it's better this way…." The words come out so quickly I wonder if there's anyway he could have understood that for a moment.

He moves closer to me, putting his hand over the top of mine. I fight the urge to pull it back. I look up at him, meeting his eyes. "Erin- please. I don't know how I can prove it to you- none of it matters! We've all done things we aren't proud of, but you've got past it. You're a totally different person now! You can't let what you did as a teenager stop you from ever letting anyone in." He says quietly, without looking away from my eyes. My mouth has gone dry again, can I really believe him? I'd love nothing more than for this to be the truth. "When I was on the floor, in that warehouse-" I see him wince as he remembers, but I carry on. "I was laying there and you know what my two biggest regrets were?" I ask him. He shakes his head, waiting for me to continue. "That we'd never made a go of things. That we'd never tried, and that I'd never know how it felt. I can honestly say Jay, I've never been so happy as the time we spent together, but that's what makes it even worse. It's going to break my heart when you leave" I say quietly, ducking my head down again.

He's quiet for a minute. "That's only one!" He says suddenly. I look back up at him and frown. "That's only one thing- you said your two biggest regrets." He says, looking at me, waiting. I hadn't even realised I'd said that. I never talk about my parents, not even to Voight. But I have to admit there's a part of me that's curious, that wonders why they never even tried to find me. If they just didn't care or if there was something more. "My parents." It comes out as a whisper, and I see Jay's face soften. He doesn't ask why, but I tell him anyway. I've been keeping this a secret for so long it feels kind of nice to let it out. "I'd just like to find them one day. I'd like to know why, to understand." I explain, even though hasn't asked me to. He nods, squeezing my hand slightly. "I understand, it's not something you should be ashamed of." He says, looking at me again. I smile back at him, moving closer. I rest my head against his shoulder and we just sit there quietly for a few minutes.

"I want to be able to believe you Jay, I really do-" I start, it's easier in a way to talk to him like this, without him looking at me. That way I don't have to look into his eyes and watch his expression change. I don't get the chance to finish my sentence though, he cuts me off. "Then believe me Erin, it's as simple as that. I haven't let you down or abandoned you yet, so what makes you think I'm going to do it in the future? Have a little faith!" He says, putting an arm around me. I don't answer his question straight away. "I used to daydream all the time when I was kid…. About what it'd be like… To fall in love, to have a normal life…. but there came a point where I realised that things like that were never going to happen to people like me…. Where I realised I'd probably end up like my mum- cold and lonely and popping pills just to numb the pain." I don't even really mean to say it out loud, I'm just thinking. "You aren't her Erin- you never will be." Jay says firmly, putting a finger under my chin and guiding my head up towards his. As I sit there, looking in to his eyes I want to believe him so desperately. I know deep down he's right. I'm not like her, maybe I can be happy. I pull myself closer to him and he leans towards me, gently pressing his lips to my own. Maybe he's right, maybe I can have the fairytale I always dreamt of.


	17. Chapter 17

_Jay's P.O.V._

I keep expecting to wake up, any second now. It feels like a dream, that she's here with talking about this. I thought that maybe it was actually going to be the end- she seemed so certain when I went to Voight's earlier. I figured she was coming to say goodbye before she ran off to start over somewhere else when I saw her car outside. But here she is, sitting on my sofa with me, head rested against my chest. We aren't really talking about anything right now, but there's plenty of time for that. I'm kind of worried if I ask too many questions, push too far that she might disappear again. She seems happy, happier than I've seen her for a while and I don't want to ruin that.

"Thankyou." She whispers without looking up at me. I frown a little bit, her words confuse me. I don't really understand what she's thanking me for- I haven't done anything. I don't even have to tell her how confused I am, she starts to explain. "For calling Voight for me…. For not just leaving me alone in my apartment…. I don't know what I'd have done if he hadn't scraped me up off the floor that night. I was a mess Jay, I still am a mess…. And I'm sorry for that." She adds, tightening her fingers in my shirt. I pull her closer to me, not knowing what to say. It feels like another lifetime ago that night. "Although I should probably blame you for the door!" She laughs, smiling up at me. I frown again, I have no idea what she's talking about. "Door?" I question and she laughs again. "Voight broke my apartment door down!" She says, looking a little annoyed. I laugh too, of course he did- it was Voight, I wouldn't expect anything less from him. "I guess you'll have to stay here then…" I smile and she nods "I'd like that" She smiles, standing up and pulling me to my feet.

I follow her back through the apartment, keeping a hold of her hand as she pulls me along. I can't help the grin on my face, I'm just so glad she's here. She grabs one of my shirts from a draw to sleep in, and as she pulls her shirt over her head I can't help but gasp slightly. I'd forgotten about the huge scar that ran across the middle of her stomach. I see her blush slightly and pull the shirt quickly over head to cover it. I'm such an idiot. I walk across the room towards her and she ducks her head, avoiding my eyes. "You are beautiful." I say quietly, bending down to look in to her eyes. I can see there's just a little bit too much moisture there- why am I such an idiot? "I mean it Erin…" I whisper, placing a gentle kiss on the top of her head. She leans in closer to me, resting her head on my shoulder. "It's just like I'm constantly being reminded of it." She says sadly, and I know exactly how she feels.

I pull her over to the bed and we lay there next to each other silently for a few minutes. Occasionally her hand goes up to her face and I know she's trying to hold it together. I can't believe how stupid I am, it just took me by surprise- I'd totally forgotten about it, and now I've upset her again. I put a hand on her shoulder and roll her over to face me. She looks at me and I can see she's confused. I take her hand in mine and place it on the small scar on the left hand side of my chest. She runs her fingers over it gently and looks at me questioningly. "We got ambushed…. I watched some of my best friends get shot that day and I'll always have this scar to remind me of it- I understand." I explain, and there's a silence between us, both of us remembering the events that shaped our lives. We lay there quietly next to each other for a while before I hear her breathing even out as she falls asleep. She looks so peaceful lying there next to me, it makes me hopeful that things can only get better from now on. She deserves a happily ever after.

_Erin's P.O.V._

It's one of the best nights sleep I've had in ages, I feel like I could stay here wrapped in his arms forever. But unfortunately reality calls. I nudge Jay with my elbow to wake him up. We need to get going or we're going to be late. He blinks at me sleepily and then smiles. "How'd you sleep?" He asks tentatively, and I can see he's almost afraid of my answer. "Like a baby!" I reassure him, getting up out of the bed. "I'm going to take a shower- we need to get going." I call back to him walking in to the bathroom. "I could help you with that?" He calls back to me and I turn around to face him, laughing at the mischievous twinkle in his eye. "We'll be late!" I protest as he walks towards me. "No we won't!" He laughs, pulling me into the bathroom.

We are late as it turns out, really late. "This is all your fault!" I say as I drive us quickly through the traffic. I'm only joking though, because I didn't exactly put up much of a protest. He just smiles at me, making me laugh. Thankfully we manage to get there in record time, rushing up the stairs to the intelligence unit. Everyone is sat there, waiting for us. "It's about time, where have you two been?" Antonio asks. I feel my face flush and I look sheepishly at Halstead. This is all his fault, but I can't find it in me to be annoyed with him. "Ok, yeah we don't want to know.." Ruzek says, shaking his head. Everyone laughs, me included. It feels good to be back at work, laughing and joking again.

Voight comes out of his office and clears his throat, everyone falls silent quickly. He catches my eye and smiles at me. Then it clicks- he sent Halstead to see me. Voight never fails to surprise me, I'll have to thank him later. Right now though, I've got a job to concentrate on. "Ok, listen up. The warehouse we raided wasn't it… There's more around somewhere- you need to find it… The two guys we caught at the first warehouse aren't talking so there's not much to go on… This is going to be difficult…. Get to work!" Voight says, before walking back into his office and getting his jacket. I look up at Jay and smile. "Let's go then partner!" I say, snatching the keys up off his desk. "I'm driving!" I laugh as he follows me back down the stairs. It's just like old times.


	18. Chapter 18

_Hey guys, sorry this has taken a while- things have been crazy around here! Let me know what you think!_

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Erin's P.O.V.

It's been an odd couple of months, things have been fairly uneventful at work, a rarity in our unit. I've been enjoying it though, it been nice to get back to normal without the stress of high profile cases. Things have been going great between me and Jay, I'm finally starting to feel like he's not going to get fed up with me. I smile to myself as I look over at him, sleeping peacefully next to me. It still feels like a dream sometimes, like I'm going to wake up and find the sheets beside me empty. I feel his arm tighten around my waist as he fidgets slightly, pulling me closer to him. It makes me jump as his voice breaks the silence in the apartment. "What you doing awake?" He whispers sleepily, his voice sounding loud in the silence of the night. I roll towards him, I can just make out his face in the dim light of the apartment. "Just thinking.." I reply, resting my head on his chest and closing my eyes. "You worry to much..." He whispers, pressing his lips to my forehead. I smile, "who said I'm worrying?" I laugh and he laughs along with me. "I haven't been this happy for such a long time..." I continue and I can feel him smile as I drift back to sleep.

I wake up a few hours later with a pounding head ache. I open my eyes slightly, the daylight adding to the throbbing in my head. I squeeze my eyes closed again. "Ugh.." I groan- this is not a good start to the day. "Erin?" I can feel Jay moving around in the bed next to me. "Mmm?" I reply to him, not opening my eyes, I can feel my head spinning and I know it's only going to get worse if I open them. "Erin?" He says again and I feel him place a cool hand on my forehead. I can't remember the last time I felt this awful."Erin?" He says again, putting a hand on my shoulder and shaking me gently. "You ok?" He asks sounding concerned. I open my eyes slowly, praying the room doesn't spin too much. Thankfully everything stays more or less stationary, the thumping in my head is increasing by the second though. "I'm fine" I mumble weakly, pushing the covers back. He frowns at me but I speak before he has a chance to say anything. "We're going to be late." I say, getting out of bed. He frowns but doesn't say anything as I walk slowly to the bathroom.

I'm surprised I mange to walk there in a straight line, as soon as I start walking my head starts spinning. I shut the door behind me and sit down on the floor for a moment. I need to get up and get in the shower but I don't think I could even stand up at the moment. This isn't the first time I've felt like this, it's never been this bad before though. I'd just dismissed it, figuring it would pass. I should have gone to the doctor, but I'm afraid- afraid they might say I can't do my job anymore. I guess that's the reason why I haven't said anything to Jay either, I know he will drag me to the doctor before I even have a chance to protest. I pull myself up off the floor, I need to get ready for work now. I'll have to deal with this later. I'm about to turn the shower on when the spinning in my head accelerates. I grab hold of the sink, trying to steady myself but I know it's no use as everything goes black.

Jay's P.O.V

I'm standing in the kitchen drinking my coffee waiting for Erin. She's taking an exceptionally long time to get ready today which is unusual for her. I smile to myself thinking about the way she usually makes fun of me for taking too long. Looking up at the clock I realise we are going to be late. I out my coffee down on the side and walk down the hall to the bathroom. I knock on the door and call her name. I wait but there's just silence coming from the other side. I frown for a minute, then I realise I can't even hear the sound of the shower running. I turn the door knob slowly and peer my head around the door.

It feels as though my stomach drops through the floor. Erin's lying there, sprawled out on the bathroom floor. "Erin?" I yell, crouching down next to her. I put a hand in either side of her face, praying she will wake up. This can't be happening. This is all my fault- I should have made her take the day off. Much to my relief she blinks sleepily at me. "Erin?" I say again, more quietly this time. She opens her eyes and looks up at me, frowning. "Ouch." She mutters, raising her hand to the back of her head. I bend down and scoop her up off the cold bathroom floor, carrying her through to the bedroom.

I lay her down on the bed and pull the blankets up over her to stop her shivering. I sit down in the edge of the bed next to her. "What's going on Erin?" I ask her quietly. I know she's stubborn and she hates taking sick days but this is a whole new level. She turns her head away from me, avoiding the question. I gently take her hand in my own and lean across, trying to look her in the eye. "Talk to me Erin, please?" I plead with her. I don't understand what's going on. She looks up at me and sighs. "I guess I've got some explaining to do..." She mutters, and it's like the whole world stops while I wait for her to explain what she means.


	19. Chapter 19

_Erin's P.O.V._

He just sits there, looking at me, not saying anything. I shift my eyes away from his stare, I can't take the way he's looking at me. I knew I shouldn't have said anything. I lay there for a few more minutes, waiting to see if he's going to speak or give me any indication of what's going on in his head, but he doesn't. I sigh quietly, climbing out of the bed and walking over to the wardrobe to get dressed. He still doesn't move, that is until I put my shoes on. "Where are you going?" He says, whipping around to face me. My heart drops, here we go again. "I have a job to do." I say quietly, not looking at him. I'm hoping he's not going to argue with me but I know him well enough to know he's not going to let this go. "Excuse me?" He says, getting up and walking towards me. I can't tell if it's anger in his voice or just still the surprise. "I'm going to work. I'm good at my job. This changes _nothing._" I say, turning on my heel and walking out of the apartment.

"Where's Halstead?" Antonio calls as I walk over to my desk. I shrug at him. He shoots a look at Olinsky that I pretend not to have seen. I keep my head down, focusing on the paperwork I have in front of me. I'm not getting much done though, my mind keeps wandering back to Jay's reaction. I don't know what I was expecting him to say, but I was hoping he'd take it better than this. I shake my head slightly, I'll deal with this later. I'm such an idiot, I should never have told him. Voight snaps me out of my thoughts. I groan internally. Normally I'd love nothing more to get out from behind this desk, but today I can't think of anything worse. Thankfully my headache has gone, although I'm on the verge of getting another one through stressing about Jay.

It's a simple enough plan, I'm supposed to pose as a runner to keep an eye on the situation. I've done it so many times before, I usually quite enjoy running but not today. I feel like I've been running forever. I look down at my watch and realise I've been jogging around this park for the past 20 minutes and nothing's happened yet. I keep going but I know I'm getting slower and slower. It's getting harder and harder to keep putting one foot in front of the other, my head is starting to spin again and I'm surprised I'm still running in a straight line. "Erin?" I can hear Voight in my ear and I try to catch my breath to reply to him. I must be more out of shape than I'd realised. "Erin? Are you ok?" He asks again. I stop running for a minute. My head is spinning like it was this morning and I don't think I'll stay upright if I carry on running. Olinsky appears next to me. "Erin?" He says, looking around at me. His voice sounds like it's coming from a really long way away. I try and focus on him but the spinning in my head is escalating again. I feel Olinsky put an arm around me to steady me before everything goes black.

I wake up on the floor in the park with the whole unit peering down at me. This is absolutely mortifying. I start trying to get up but Voight pushes me back down. "Woah stay there a minute- what happened kid?" He asks, looking concerned. I think for a minute, I've got no idea what to say to him. "I… I skipped breakfast this morning.." I lie, well actually it's not a lie. I didn't have any breakfast this morning. He shakes his head at me, taking my hand and pulling me up. "I thought you would've known better… take the rest of the day" He mutters, walking off. I look around at the rest of the unit. "Thanks Alvin.." I say, giving him a smile. He smiles back at me. "Come on, we'll drop you at home." He says and I nod gratefully.

I get Olinsky and Ruzek to drop me off at my apartment. The door has been fixed for a while, I just haven't bothered going back- I'd been happy with Jay. Now though I need some space, to clear my head. I think Jay probably does too. I should have told him straight away, but the longer I kept it to myself the scarier the thought of telling him was. I should have known he'd react like this. I'm such an idiot, now I'm going to lose him. I sit on the sofa, looking around my apartment. It seems so empty, there's no family photos like anyone else has. There's one small photo on the wall of me, Justin and Voight, but that's it. It makes me realise that besides my job I don't really have much else. I have Jay, I think to myself but there's a shadow of doubt in my mind about how true that actually is now.

My heart skips a beat as I hear a knock on the door. I know who it's going to be. Part of me wants to ignore him to avoid the confrontation and the conversation that's going to take place if I answer the door. The other part of me wants nothing more than to open the door and for him to come in here and hold me tight and tell me everything's going to be ok. I get carefully to my feet, thankfully without my head spinning, and walk across to the door. I take a deep breath before I slowly open the door. I can do this, at least that's what I keep telling myself.

He doesn't say anything as I open the door, just stepping quickly inside. I can tell he's afraid I'm going to slam the door in his face. We stand there awkwardly, just inside my front door. I lean back against the wall, looking at him. He looks up at me, and we both just stand there, each waiting for the other to speak. He pulls his hands out from behind his back and holds up a bag of chinese food. "Peace offering?" He says and I can't help but smile. We walk through to the kitchen and he takes out the food. I know we're both avoiding the conversation we desperately need to have but I've got no desire to bring it up. I'd much rather just sit and eat the food quietly. "So, Voight called me…" Jay says and I groan quietly. I should've known Voight would have done that. He carries on talking before I can say anything. "You need to be careful Erin, please?" He turns to face me and I can see the worry in his eyes. I nod, he's right. It's not fair on anyone, especially Jay. He starts to put the food on to plates. I love chinese food, but as the smell of it wafts through the apartment it makes my stomach churn. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, which only makes it worse. "Erin?" I feel Jay's hand on my back. I shake my head at him, then turn and run through the apartment to the bathroom.

I smile sheepishly at Jay as I walk back into the kitchen. "Sorry about that…" I say and he laughs quietly, handing me a glass of water. I lean against the worktop and look at Jay. "I guess we should probably have that conversation…" I say slowly and he nods. I know we need to talk but I really don't want to have to face the reality. Jay walks towards me and takes my hand, gently pulling me over to the sofa. I sit down next to him and pull my knees up to my chin. "It's going to be ok you know" He says confidently, and I just wish I could believe it like he does. I look across at him and smile weakly, trying to find the words to explain to him. He sits there looking at me expectantly. It's making my heart race just thinking about it, the fear of him walking out and leaving me. I try and shake it off. I can do this. He said he'd be here no matter what, I'll just have to trust him to stick to it.


	20. Chapter 20

_Erin's P.O.V._

"Have you been to the doctor yet?" He asks me and I shake my head. He gives me a disapproving look. He's right, I can't just bury my head in the sand forever. "I was scared… and I just…. I don't know Jay… It just seemed like it would make it all real if I went to the doctor.." I say uncertainly, I'm not really sure if he's angry with me or not. I let out an audible sigh of relief as he nods and smiles. "I know, it's difficult to adjust to the idea… I'm sorry about this morning but you kinda took me by surprise!" he says and I smile weakly back at him. "Trust me, I was just as surprised." I laugh, it's true, this was the last thing I was expecting. He laughs too, moving closer to me and putting an arm around me. I lean in closer to him and smile. I'm glad he's back. "You know you're going to have to talk to Voight." He says and my heart stops, then I realise what he's just said. "What do you mean _I'm _going to have to talk to Voight?!" I demand. He laughs and looks at me. "Yes _you _will because I don't want him to kill me!" He laughs. I know he's only joking but I can't help but worry about what people are going to say. It's never been easy to judge what Voight's reaction to something will be, but on this subject I'm particularly clueless. "I'll do it tomorrow?" I say uncertainly, still hoping Jay might offer to do it for me. "Sounds good. It's all going to be ok Erin." He says reassuringly, resting a hand on my stomach. I close my eyes and rest my head on his shoulder, hoping he's right.

It's a restless night, I don't think I slept for more than 10 minutes at a time. I'm laying there, in the darkness, trying to work out what on earth I'm going to say to Voight. Jay's clearly not worried about it. He's lying next to me, fast asleep and snoring in my ear. He looks so peaceful and carefree, totally unphased by the fact our entire lives are going to change. I have to say though, I'm glad he came back. I was so worried that after his reaction this morning he was going to leave me to do this on my own, I should have known better though, there's no way he'd do that to me. I place my hand gently over his which is resting across my waist. I feel his fingers tighten around mine and then realise he's stopped snoring. "I can hear you worrying- stop!" He whispers in my ear and I laugh a little. "It's going to be ok." He whispers, kissing the top of my head. "I know." I reply, and for the first time I actually believe him.

The morning comes far too soon for my liking. Jay has to practically drag me out of bed. "Erin, it's going to be fine!" He says as I bounce around the kitchen nervously. I pull a face at him and he laughs. "Have you eaten anything? We don't want a repeat of yesterday!" He says, holding a plate of toast out to me. I pull a face at him, but the look he gives me tells me not to argue with him. I feel sick to my stomach at the minute and the thought of food is just making it worse. I half heartedly eat a slice of toast before pulling on my boots. I go to reach for the car keys but Jay get's there first. "I'm driving." He says and I let out an exasperated sigh. This is going to get seriously frustrating.

It's a quiet ride to work, I'm going over and over in my head what I'm going to say to Voight. "You sure you don't want to talk to him?" I plead with Jay as we walk in to the precinct. He shakes his head at me and laughs slightly as I smack him playfully. My heart is racing as we walk up the stairs to intelligence, Jay squeezes my hand gently. We part ways when we reach the top of the steps, each of us going to our desks. I sit there, tapping my fingers on the edge of the desk absentmindedly until Voight arrives. I hear his office door shut but I carry on looking down at my desk, I'm stalling and I know Jay's not going to let me get away with it. I sigh and look up as I hear him clear his throat. He gestures to Voight's office and I reluctantly get to my feet. "I hate you, y'know that?" I ask him as I walk past and he laughs, ignoring the strange looks everyone else is giving us.

I knock gently on the door, my heart hammering in my chest. Voight calls for me to come in and I shoot a glare over my shoulder at Jay before I walk in. Voight looks up and smile at me. "Hey kid, what's up?" He asks me and all the words I'd planned to use immediately vanish. He sits there looking at me, waiting as I pace up and down his office trying to find the words. "Sit down Erin, you're scaring me." He says, and I can hear the concern in his voice I sit down on the seat opposite him, playing with my fingers nervously. "Whatever it is Erin, just spit it out." He says. I'd forgotten he can read me like a book. I look up and him and take a deep breath, trying to make my mouth actually form the words.

"I'm pregnant." I choke out after a few moments silence. I try and watch Voight's face, attempting to work out what his reaction is going to be but he's not giving any clues. Eventually, he exhales loudly and looks up at me. My heart is pounding in my ears, my nails digging into the palm of my hand. "Halstead?" He asks and I nod slowly, almost afraid to tell him. His quiet again for a few moments. "Are you happy?" He asks me. I smile at him and try to make it convincing. I am happy, it's not a lie, it's just taken me by surprise and there's so much other stuff to worry about. "of course I'm happy, I'm just a bit surprised…" I say and he laughs slightly. "You and me both kid!" He says and I smile back at him, more genuinely this time "Now get back to work…" He laughs, pushing me gently towards the door.

I close the door behind me on the way out and everyone else looks up at me, including Jay. He doesn't say anything, but I can tell by the look on his face he's desperate to know the answer. I smile at him and give him a thumbs up and the relief that crosses his face is obvious. I'd almost totally forgotten about the other people in the room until Ruzek speaks. "Hold up, what's going on here?" He asks and I look at Jay, raising my eyebrows. Jay stands up walking over to me. He places an arm around my waist and turns to face the rest of our unit. "Erin's pregnant.." He smiles. There's a few seconds silence while they all process what Jay's just said, then there's a cheer of congratulation from them all which makes me laugh. Voight comes out of his office and I hold my breath for a second, praying he's not about to start on Jay. Thankfully he doesn't. "Guess you're gonna be a Grandpa!" Ruzek laughs looking at Voight who shakes his head slightly, laughing. "Don't you ever say that again Ruzek- I'm not that old!" Voight says sternly, making everyone laugh. It doesn't seem real to me, it's like some crazy dream I'm about to wake up from. Only it's not a dream, I'm actually going to be a Mom.


	21. Chapter 21

_Jay's P.O.V._

It's been a weird couple of weeks, I don't think I've fully adjusted to the fact I'm going to be a dad. Me and Erin are actually going to be parents. I've woken up to an empty bed again and I can see the bathroom light on down the hall. This whole morning sickness thing is really getting to Erin. I roll out of bed and go to get her a glass of water, just like I do nearly every morning. I walk in to the bathroom behind her and pass the glass of water to her, rubbing her back gently as she stands up. She takes the water and smiles gratefully at me, leaning against me. "We'd better get ready then.." She says, rolling her eyes a little. I smile at her, I've never known Erin not want to be at work, but these last few days she's been getting more and more reluctant, I guess it's something to do with being up at all hours with morning sickness. "I guess so!" I laugh, turning to walk back into the bedroom. I smile to myself as I catch her reflection in the mirror. She's barely showing, it's only because I know it's there it's more obvious to me. She catches my eye in the mirror and smiles. "Stop staring!" She laughs, picking up a pillow and throwing it at me.

She's still teasing me as we walk up the steps to intelligence. Everyone looks up as we walk in, our voices sounding loud in the silence of the room. Apparently we're late _again.. _We sit down at our desks, waiting for Voight to start talking. I'm really hoping there's nothing too serious for us to deal with. I thought I worried about Erin too much before I found out she was pregnant, now every time we put our vests on and head out my stomach churns, all I can think of are the what if's. It's irrational, she's perfectly capable of doing her job still, and she'd probably kill me if I suggested otherwise, but I still worry about her.

I snap back in to reality, Voight starting to talk. "Ok, listen up. We need to be careful-" He stops talking as Erin suddenly stands up from her desk, running out of the room. Everyone's eyes follow her then look at me. "Morning sickness." I clarify and Voight smiles at me. I'm thankful he's taken this so well, I was worried he was going to kick off, but he seems genuinely happy for us. Erin's back a few minutes later. "Sorry…." she mutters sliding back behind her desk and taking a sip of water. Voight's eyes linger on her for a moment before he carries on.

_Erin's P.O.V._

This whole morning sickness thing needs to end. It's not even morning sickness, it's just general sickness at all times of the day, when it's least convenient. Like now, Jay's driving us to a small shop to interview the owner. He's speaking but I'm not listening to what he's saying, I'm far too focused on holding on to what remains of the breakfast he forced me to eat. I take a big sip of water as he parks the car outside the shop. This is going to be a long day. "Are you ok?" Jay asks me, putting a hand on my arm. I turn and smile at him, nodding. He worries too much. "I'm fine, stop worrying." This is going to be a long 6 months if Jay's going keep worrying,

By the time we get back to the car I'm exhausted. We've spent the whole day going round in circles, following various leads. It feels like we've been to every street in Chicago- and now we have to fill in all the paper work. I lean my head against the window as Jay drives us back to the district, closing my eyes. Clearly I end up falling asleep despite my best efforts, Jay nudges me awake as he parks up. "Come on sleepy." He laughs, getting out of the car.

I try and shake myself awake, I need to finish this paperwork despite the fact I want nothing more than my bed at this precise moment. I'd been adamant I'd be able to work almost right up until I had the baby, but I'm starting to realise I'm not super woman. I lean my head on my hands, trying to find the will to finish this. My eyes wander to the small black and white image thats lying on the top of my computer. I smile to myself, running my fingers over the image of our baby. I look up and Jay catches my eye and smiles at me, I know he's probably looking at exactly the same image.

It's weird, it hadn't really seemed like reality, the fact there was actually a baby in there until I saw the image on the screen. Lying on that bed, listening to the sound of our baby's heartbeat was surreal. My hand finds its way down to rest on my stomach subconsciously, it's just a natural reaction now. My fingers rest on the tiny little bump that's starting to form there. I should really be getting on with this paperwork, but I can't keep my mind focused on the words in front of me, my mind keeps wandering to thoughts of my unborn child. Eventually I manage to finish the paperwork, all though half it probably makes no sense at all, I look up at Jay and find he's sitting there waiting for me. "Let's go." I say, standing up and putting my jacket on. He nods, standing up and walking towards the stairs with me, an arm around my waist. I smile happily, despite my worries when I first found out I'm pretty sure that everything's going to work out ok.

We get back to my apartment and order take out food, there's nothing in the fridge to cook yet again. I really need to start buying some food, we're going to have to remember to go shopping at some point. We settle on pizza, one of the more normal cravings I've been having. Jay is finding the whole thing far too funny, having found me stood in the kitchen eating nutella out of the tub at 2am the other day. I'm glad he hasn't seen some of the other things I've been eating, he'd never let me live it down.

We sit down on the sofa after we've eaten, neither of us really saying much. His hands brush gently over my bare skin and I smile, leaning in closer towards him. I'm trying to keep my mind positive, I can do this, I can be a good parent- but there's a little bit of me that's worried I'm not cut out for this. Much to my dismay my eyes are filling with tears. I try desperately to blink them back before Jay notices, but I'm too late. "Hey what's wrong?" He asks sounding worried as he looks down at me. I try and choke back my tears. "Just hormones…" I say, trying to shrug it off, but he doesn't accept it. I rest my head against his shoulder, wiping the tears from my eyes. "What if I'm not a good Mom Jay? What if I turn out like my Mother?" I whisper, voicing my worst fears for the first time.


	22. Chapter 22

Jay's P.O.V.

I get out of the shower to find Erin in the bedroom getting dressed. I catch sight of her reflection in the mirror and notice the tears on her cheeks. My heart drops and I rush towards her, assuming something is seriously wrong. "Erin?" I ask, putting a hand on her shoulder and trying to get her to turn to face me. She refuses to turn around, wiping her tears from her cheek. "Erin, what's wrong?" I ask again, I'm getting worried. She sighs and turns to face me, the tears still glistening in her eyes. "I can't do my trousers up! What the hell am I supposed to do?!" She replies, her voice getting louder towards the end. I have to remember not to laugh, although I'm not sure why she's so upset over this- it was always going to happen. I'm really struggling to keep up with her mood swings at the minute.

Eventually we end up leaving for work, at least half an hour later than we should have done. As we reach the top of the steps to the intelligence unit everyone's eyes are on us. I watch Ruzeks eyes wander over Erin's trousers and pray he's going to keep his mouth shut. I'd made the mistake of trying to make a joke out of the situation and she nearly bit my head of. I try and give him a warning look, that he clearly misses. I duck my head as he opens his mouth, knowing full well what's coming. He's going to regret this. "Hey Lindsay! What's with the trousers, you look like-" Ruzek starts, and he doesn't even get to the end of his sentence before she explodes. I meet Antonio's eyes across the room and Erin slams down her mug on her desk and marches over to Ruzek. She screams something that's almost entirely unintelligible, apart from the swear words, at him before storming out and slamming the door dramatically behind her.

There's a few moment silence, then Voight comes out of his office. He raises his eyebrows and looks at me. "What was that all about?" He asks looking confused. Everyone else turns to look at me, as if they're waiting for an explanation. They'll be waiting a while if they are, her actions made no sense to me before the pregnancy hormones. I shrug, "hormones..." And Antonio laughs. "I feel your pain! I actually thought Laura was going to kill me at one point when she was pregnant with Diego!" He laughs, walking back to his desk. He's not wrong, I only have to look at Erin in a way she thinks is odd at the minute. If I didn't feel like I was walking on egg shells all the time it would be kinda funny. "I guess I'd better go and find her..." I say reluctantly, looking at Voight in the hope he might volunteer. He laughs and shakes his head. "This ones all yours Halstead!" He says, gesturing to the door.

It doesn't take me long to find her, sat on a bench in the locker room glaring furiously at the wall. Her head snaps around as she hears my footsteps and I hold my hands up as I move slowly towards her. I sit down next to her on the bench and wait for her to speak. I'm worried that whatever I say it will be the wrong thing, I've been doing a great job of putting my foot in it recently. We sit there in silence for a few minutes before she speaks. "I should probably go apologise to Ruzek..." She says reluctantly, and I know she's embarrassed. I laugh quietly, "nah- he needed taking down a peg or too!" Much to my relief she laughs too. I put my arm around here and she leans in closer, resting her head on my shoulder. I hear her sniff, then bring a hand up to wipe her face- then I realise she's crying. "Damn hormones.." She mumbles and I hold her tighter, placing a kiss on the top of her head.

Erin's P.O.V.

I really can't get a handle on this whole being pregnant thing. I feel like I'm either angry, crying or eating- there's nothing in between. I shouldn't have flown off the handle at Ruzek like that, but I can't help but feel self conscious wandering around the precinct in my gym clothes because they were the only thing I could get on. It's my own fault, my jeans have slowly been getting tighter and tighter but I've been ignoring it, refusing to go and buy maternity clothes. It's stupid, but I'm just not quite ready to admit that this is actually happening and I'm going to have to slow down. I look up at the locker room door creaks open and Jay walks in, holding a shopping bag. He passes it to me gently and I smile a thanks at him before he turns and walks back out again.

As I walk back to my desk everyone looks up at me warily. "Sorry guys... Especially you Ruzek..." I say, feeling my cheeks flush. Adam smiles at me and gets up. He gives me a hug. "I guess I could forgive you if you promise to name the kid after me?" He suggests, making everyone else laugh. I roll my eyes, not this again. "It's not happening Ruzek!" I laugh, pulling away from him. He laughs too, "I kinda figured- for what it's worth though, I am sorry... You didn't have to go and buy new trousers because of me!" He says gesturing to my new clothes. I smile at him, looking up from my desk. "Seriously Ruzek, just shut up and move on already!" I say, looking back down at my computer. It's making me feel self conscious with everyone looking at me.

Voight comes out of his office and clears his throat. "Is it safe out here? Erin? You're not going to kill Ruzek?" He asks me and I feel my cheeks flush bright red again. "I'm just messing with you kid- I'm sure he deserved it!" He laughs, walking past my desk. Ruzek mutters something I can't quite catch before Voight starts speaking again. "Ok listen up- we're gonna put a cop in undercover witha hooker, it's about the only way we're gonna get this guy-"Voight starts. I interrupt him without thinking. "I'll do it." I say, then realise everyone's looking at me. "I... Um..." Voight starts shifting nervously, looking at Halstead who's not helping him out all. "It's not gonna happen Erin..." Voight finishes, looking at me nervously as though he's waiting for me to explode. I let out a little laugh. "Sorry guys... I kinda forgot about this!" I laugh, pointing down at my expanding stomach. Taking a back seat is seriously going to take some getting used to.


	23. Chapter 23

_Erin's P.O.V._

As much as I refuse to admit it I'm finding it harder and harder to do my job. I'm exhausted all the time, I think I actually fell asleep at my desk the other day- not that anyone would dare say anything to me about it, after my little outburst at Ruzek the week everyone's been trying desperately not to say anything that might upset me. It's frustrating to say the least, I wish things could just go back to normal. But things are never going to be what I consider 'normal' ever again, my ever expanding stomach is proof of that.

It's finally starting to sink in that there's a real baby in there. It brings a smile to my face, thinking about the first time I felt our baby kick, the look on Jay's face. I might have my doubts, that I'm keeping to myself, but Jay is definitely ready for this. He's going to be an amazing Dad, there's no doubt about that. I'd like to think I'll be a good Mom, but then I can't help but doubt it. Neither of my parents were exactly good role models. I can't help but lay awake sometime and worry that I'll end up being like my parents. I know there's huge differences, I'm not a drug addict for starters, but the thought is still there.

I groan inwardly as the alarm sounds again. I'm going to have to admit defeat and go on maternity leave soon, I'm just so not used to sitting around doing nothing all day. Truth be told I'm a little worried about being left alone with my thoughts all day. I sit up slowly, trying to find the energy to drag myself out of bed when there's a knock at the door. I can hear the shower running so I'm going to have to go and answer it. I haul myself up off the bed after a couple of attempts, walking slowly through the apartment to answer the door.

I find Voight on the other side, looking a little nervous. "You're here early?" I question, wondering what he's doing on my doorstep before 7am, although I have a suspicion where this is going. "Erin, look I've been patient but there comes a point where you're too stubborn for your own good…. You're going on maternity leave now, and I mean it- I don't want you popping that kid out on my office floor! Stay home and put your feet up. How much longer have you got left anyway kid?" He asks me, and I can see he's waiting for me to yell at him. I'm kinda relieved in a way, I haven't got the energy for work and there's not much left that I can actually do anymore. "Five weeks." I say apprehensively, the time has flown by and I don't feel in any way ready for this baby to come. "Message received, I'm staying home…" I smile, secretly elated at the thought of getting back in to bed. He smiles, leaning forward to give me a hug, which is made difficult by the enormous bump which gets in the way of pretty much everything. "Take care of yourself kid." He says, before turning and leaving.

I'm laying in bed, flipping through a magazine when Jay gets out the shower. "What you doing still in bed?" He asks, and I know he's worried something is wrong. He's spent several weeks trying to get me to stay there and I've refused point blank every time. "Voight came by, he said it's time for me to stop working… I agree with him, so here I am…" I explain, and I watch as he tries to hide the grin on his face. He's finally got what he wanted. He sits down on the edge of the bed, leaning forwards and gently kissing the top of my head. "Finally you see sense!" He laughs and I laugh along with him. "Hey, you enjoy your day at work… I'll be lying here sleeping, watching tv and eating ice cream… what more could a girl want?" I tease, knowing he's worrying about leaving me on my own all day. "I'll come back and see you at lunch time ok?" He says as he stands up to leave. "Yeah, yeah whatever… stop worrying and go to work!" I laugh, turning the tv on. If he doesn't go soon then he never will.

I'd planned on sleeping most of the day, but between Jay and Voight my phone seems to be ringing every two minutes which is making the sleeping thing kinda hard. It's annoying too because the baby is keeping me awake all night and I could really do with the rest. After reassuring Voight for the hundredth time that I'm still ok, and yes I am resting I hand up the phone. I think about it for a moment before I turn it off. I just want a couple of hours of uninterrupted peace and quiet. I place the phone on the bedside table and lean my head back against the pillows, closing my eyes. Maybe I can finally get some rest.

_Jay's P.O.V._

"She's not answering." I tell Voight as he drives us back across town. I know between the two of us we've been harassing her all day but I can't help but worry. "I'll try her." Voight says, pulling out his phone. I hear it ring several times before it cuts out to her voicemail. There's a knot in the pit of my stomach. I shouldn't have left her alone, what if something's happened to her. Clearly Voight's having the same thoughts. He suddenly spins the car around, putting the lights on. He weaves through the traffic at ridiculously high speeds, reaching the apartment in what seems like seconds.

We both get out and run up the steps, stopping when we reach the door. I fumble around in my pockets trying to find a key, then remember that I left them in my desk draw. Voight gives me a look that I can't read, before banging on the door loudly. I join in, calling her name through the wood but there's no reply. "Seriously Halstead, no spare?" Voight says and I shake my head. I really need to sort that out. After a few more minutes of knocking on the door I'm starting to feel sick with worry. Why isn't she answering?

Voight looks at me for a moment and I nod knowing what he's thinking. He takes a couple of steps back. "We're coming in Erin!" He yells, taking a run at the door which opens easily. "Erin?" We both yell as we rush inside, but there's no sign of her in the kitchen or on the sofa. I stop abruptly as I enter the bedroom, Voight nearly running in to the back of me. She's there, on the bed fast asleep with ear plugs in. I'd forgotten what a heavy sleeper she can be. We're about to sneak back out when her eyes snap open. "Seriously? You can't even leave me to sleep?" She complains and I feel back for waking her up, I know she's been struggling to sleep. "You weren't answering your phone." Voight interjects and she picks it up from the bedside table. "I turned it off because you two kept harassing me!" She says, climbing out of the bed and shaking her head. I look at Voight sheepishly, we might have overdone it slightly. I'm about to apologise when Erin lets out a loud hiss, grabbing hold of the edge of the bed. "Erin?" Me and Voight both say at once, rushing over to her. I feel as though my heart has stopped. "I think my water just broke." She whispers, looking up at me.


	24. Chapter 24

_A/N: Sorry for the delay with the update, I kept meaning to do it and totally forgetting. _

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_Erin's P.O.V._

It's like time stands still from the moment those words leave my mouth. I look up at Voight and then at Jay, they both look as though they've just seen a ghost. I can't look any better than they do. I'm not ready for this, this can't be happening yet. I'm supposed to have another five weeks to get ready for this. No. This can't be happening. This must just be some kind of nightmare, I am in no way ready for this to be happening. The pain that's ripping through my body seems to suggest otherwise though. "Ouch." I hear Voight mutter, then I realise I'm crushing his and Jay's hands. "Sorry…" I mumble, my head is spinning, this is really happening. There's a few moments silence but eventually Voight seems to regain control of himself. "We need to get you to the hospital." He says, and although he sounds calm his face is showing me that he's far from it.

It takes a while but eventually we reach the hospital. It was a miracle I didn't fall down the stairs getting out of the apartment. Jay seems to be in another world entirely, only snapping out of it when we finally reach the hospital room. The nurse helps me on to the bed, Jay and Voight both standing nervously in the corner. It makes me laugh a little, and they both look at me like I'm insane. "You two look so scared!" I laugh and they both smile a little. I'm about to speak again when another contraction rips through me. I'd thought being attacked by suspects was painful but this is a whole new level. Jay comes over and takes my hand, a decision he probably regrets judging by the look on his face as I squeeze it tight. Voight looks around nervously, flashing me a quick smile. "I'll leave you to it…. Good luck.." He says, rushing out of the door. If this didn't hurt so much then I'd probably be finding it hilarious

Hours later there's still no progress. The next person that tells me that I'm doing really well I'm probably going to strangle. Jay's sat next to me, holding my hand nervously. "Um… Erin… do you think maybe you could not hold my hand quite so tightly?" He asks, brushing my hair out of my face. I look down at our hands, my knuckles white where my hand is clenched around his. "Sorry…" I say, loosening my hand slightly. "This is all your fault…" I groan as another contraction hits me. He laughs which makes me smile a little bit despite the pain. I know I'm probably crushing his hand again but I don't think I could actually unclench it right now. The doctor looks up at me and gives Jay a sympathetic smile. "Ok Erin, you're doing so well… We just need you to push ok?" She says, and I turn and look at Jay who gives me an encouraging smile. I can do this, I try and tell myself- it's not like I've got any choice anyway.

_Jay's P.O.V._

The grip Erin has got on my hand is excruciatingly painful, so I can only imagine how much this is hurting her. "Come on Erin, you're so nearly there." I say, trying to encourage her. She glares at me "I am never having sex again." She mutters and me and the doctor both laugh. The doctor says something to Erin that I don't quite catch, then she squeezes my hand again. The sound of crying fills the room and the doctor looks up at us both and smiles. "It's a little girl." She smiles. I watch as the nurse takes her from the doctor, I can't believe this is actually happening.

Then I tear my eyes away from our daughter to look back at Erin. That's when I realise that her vice like grip around my hand has loosened. My blood runs cold as I turn to look at her. "Erin?!" I call frantically as I'm quickly shoved to the side by doctors and nurses as they rush into the room. Someone puts a hand on my arm and gently guides me out of the room. "What's happening?" I ask, trying to turn around. I have to get back to her. But they wont let me. "The doctor will come and talk to you soon." The nurse says soothingly, pushing me towards a waiting room.

There's a little cheer as I walk in, the rest of the unit is in there. I look at their smiling faces, the teddy bear that Voight is holding and it makes me feel sick. Their cheers of congratulations soon fall silent as they take in the look on my face. "Halstead?" Voight rushes up to me, putting his hands on my shoulders. "What happened? Is-" He stops, waiting for me to speak. I don't think I can even bring myself to say the words. I shrug out from under his hand, turning around and walking out. I need a few minutes, some fresh air. This is supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life, and right now I want nothing more for this all to be a nightmare. She has to be ok. She can't leave me. I can't do this on my own.

I stand there, staring out of the window at the city, watching the snow fall. How did I even end up in this situation? If you'd asked me a few years ago how I thought my life would turn out I can guarantee this isn't what I would have said. There's a tap on my shoulder and I turn around to find a nurse standing behind me. "There's someone who'd like to see you." She says, and I look down at the tiny little baby. "She's a little on the small side but other than that she's perfectly healthy." The nurse says, giving me a reassuring smile. She slowly passes her to me and I stare down at our baby for a few seconds before I look back up at the nurse. "Erin?" I ask her hesitantly. She gives me a sad smile. "There is no news yet." She says, squeezing my arm before turning and walking away. I sit down on a chair and look down at the tiny baby who's asleep in my arms. Erin has to be ok, I can't do this on my own. She's so tiny and fragile, she needs her Mom.

I have no idea how long I've been sat there, just watching her sleep when someone sits down next to me. "She'll be ok. She's a tough one." Antonio says, putting a hand on my shoulder. He smiles as he looks down at the sleeping baby in my arms. "Trust me Halstead, there's no way she'll miss out on seeing this little girl." He says, and I can feel my eyes filling with tears. The prospect of our little girl growing up without a Mom is too much for me to even imagine. "I can't do this on my own." I whisper. "You aren't on your own." I hear Voight's voice behind me. Turning around I see Voight, Ruzek and Olinsky who all smile at me encouragingly. "Erin's going to be out here kicking your backside and making you get up in the middle of the night because the babies crying before you know it. I promise." Olinsky says and I smile slightly back at him. Then I see the nurse coming towards us. "Could you?" I say to Voight gesturing to the baby. He nods and steps forwards, taking her from me. It's a weird image, Voight with a baby, but I've got bigger things to worry about right now. I look over my shoulder once more, before walking towards the nurse, praying for good news.

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_Please, please, please leave a review and let me know what you think!_


	25. Chapter 25

_Ok, so I hadn't planned on writing anymore today, but since you all asked so nicely I've finished the next chapter for you. Enjoy!_

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_Jay's P..O.V._

The nurse doesn't tell me anything, just ushering me through in to the doctors office. As I sit down on the chair opposite the doctor I'm trying to read her facial expression, to work out what the sad smile she'd giving me means. I can't even begin to imagine what I'm going to do if Erin's not ok. It's silent in the office, the sound of the clock ticking seems abnormally loud as I look at the woman in front of me, waiting. "Erin had a reaction to one of the drugs that we gave her. It caused her brain to swell, the increase in pressure then caused her to lose consciousness. There was no way of knowing this was going to happen. She's in the ICU at the moment, she's stable for now but the next 48 hours are critical." The doctor says. I let out the breath I've been holding. She's alive, she'll be ok. She has to be.

I walk down the hall with the doctor silently, trying to process what is happening. This has been the longest day of my life. It seems like a lifetime ago that me and Voight were busting down the door to the apartment. I can't even begin to understand how this has gone from being the best day of my life to the worst in the space of a few hours. As I walk in to the ICU and look at Erin the memories of the last time she was laying in a hospital bed come flooding back. We've come such a long way since then, this can't be the end.

I sit down on the chair next to her bed, and it's like deja vu for me, sitting here holding her hand and wondering if she knows I'm here. I hear the click of the door closing as the doctor leaves. I take Erin's hand in my own and gently run my fingers over the back of her hand. "Erin, you need to wake up. I can't do this on my own. Our daughter needs you Erin, I need you…" I whisper, looking up at her. She doesn't say anything though, I knew she wouldn't, the doctor had told me she was sedated to let the swelling reduce, but there was still a tiny part of me that was hoping she was wrong.

I don't know how long I've been sat there, staring at her unmoving body before the door opens. Voight walks in, holding the baby still. The only sound in the room in the ventilator as he looks at Erin and then looks at me. He walks up to me and gently passses our daughter to me before sitting down next to me. I look down at the tiny sleeping baby in my arms and try desperately to make sense of what is happening. This isn't how it's supposed to be. I can't do this on my own.

Neither Voight or me move all night, we just sit there and watch Erin and the monitors she's attached to. Usually I'd find the repetitive beeping annoying, but I'm just relieved. As long as those monitors are still beeping there is still hope. She has to wake up. Voight breaks the silence after a few hours, looking down at the little girl who's wriggling around in my arms. "Had you talked about what you're going to call her?" He asks me and I nod. "We'd talked about it, but it just didn't feel right to do it without Erin." I choke out. The thought of doing anything without Erin just doesn't seem right. If I could trade places with her then I would do it right now, she should be here holding her daughter. Voight's silent again for a few minutes. "Jay, if she doesn't-" He starts and I glare at him. "She's going to wake up." I whisper, only just managing to stop myself from yelling. The fact that he's even considering the alternative makes me feel sick to my stomach. Voight looks at me again. "All I'm trying to say Halstead is think about what Erin would want you to do ok?" He says calmly. I honestly can't believe he can be so ok with considering a scenario where Erin isn't ok. Before I get a chance to say anything he stands up and walks away. If I hadn't got a sleeping baby in my arms I'd probably chase after him. I look down at my little girl and I can't help but smile as she opens her eyes. It feels like I'm looking straight at Erin, she's got an exact copy of her Mom's eyes. "Mommy's going to be ok." I whisper, blinking back the tears in my eyes at I look down at her. "Mommy's going to be ok." I repeat quietly.

It's the longest six hours of my life, sitting there watching and waiting. It makes me jump as the doctor comes back in to the room. She doesn't say anything as she moves around, checking monitors. Eventually she looks up at me, and I can see the pity in her eyes. "We're going to slowly wean her off the sedation. It looks like the pressure has reduced. But please don't get your hopes up just yet." She says, and she managed to crush the hope she's just given me in a matter of seconds. I look down again at the little girl who's still sound asleep in my arms. "Please Erin…" I whisper almost inaudibly. I feel like I should be doing something, but there is nothing I can do other than sit here, watch and wait. Praying that she'll wake up and be ok.

I'm starting to lose the last little bit of hope that I'm desperately clinging to after a few hours have passed. Nothing is changing and I honestly don't know if I can do this. I stand up from the chair, I need a few minutes. I look at my daughter, who's asleep in the little crib the nurses brought in. She's oblivious to what's going on, and I wish I was to. I'm not ready to deal with this. I walk out of the room and out of the hospital, standing outside in the icy cold air. I'm almost surprised to find it's daylight. It just seems as though time has been stood still the entire time I've been in the hospital, it seems unfair in a way that life has just carried on as normal outside the walls of the hospital.

I feel a hand on my shoulder and turn around to find Antonio stood there. "How's she doing?" He asks me and I shake my head "No change." I say and he squeezes my shoulder gently. "She'll pull through Halstead, I promise you that. It's Erin- she always does. What you need to think about right now though is that beautiful little girl up there who needs her Dad." He says, looking at me and waiting. I nod slowly, he's right. I need to pull myself together. Erin and my daughter need me. Antonio's phone rings and he makes his excuses, disappearing off into the crowds of people in the street. I take a deep breath before turning and walking back inside. I can do this.

I walk quietly back into the room, it seems so silent after the noise of the street outside. Then it hits me. It is silent. The ventilator Erin had been attached to is gone. It feels like everything is in slow motion as I walk over to the bed. "Erin?" I whisper, placing a hand gently on her cheek. There's a few seconds silence, in which I feel my hopes start to vanish, it was too good to be true. Then slowly, her eyes open. I don't know what to say to her. "Hey…" She whispers, and I can't help but laugh. She says it exactly the way she does every time she comes home, it just seems so odd in this situation. "Hey to you to…" I whisper, kissing her gently. "There's someone who wants to meet you…" I smile, turning around to pick our baby up. I can't help but smile as Erin's eyes fill with tears as I place our daughter in her arms. "She's perfect!" She whispers, blinking back the tears in her eyes. "She's just like her Mom." I say, sitting on the edge of the bed and looking at them both.

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_Thanks so much for all the reviews last time- Please do let me know what you think about this chapter!_


	26. Chapter 26

_Erin's P.O.V_

"I've got her..." I mutter sleepily, forcing myself to get out of bed. Jay hasn't even woken up though, he never does. Never have I been so jealous of someone's ability to sleep through anything- I had to practically kick him the whole way out of bed to get him to get up earlier. Hearing the volume of the cries increase I reluctantly get out of bed, I'm sure my neighbours probably hate me right about now. I rub my hand across my eyes, trying to wake myself up. Why on earth do I have to have a daughter who wakes up at 4am every morning? "Hey Millie..." I whisper, bending down to pick her up out of the crib. I take her out of the bedroom, just incase we wake Jay up- as unlikely as that situation is.

I still find it amazing, sat here in the dimly lit apartment that this tiny little baby is actually mine. She's just so perfect. It makes me smile as her tiny little fingers grab hold of my hair and she looks up at me. I thought I'd really miss work, and yesterday, the first day Jay had gone back to work I'd been a little bit sad not to be going with him. To be honest though, he's the one missing out. I get to spend all day with our daughter, and I don't think I could function at work on the amount of sleep I'm getting at the minute.

Jay gets up at six, wandering through to make coffee. He stops in the doorway and smiles at me. I press a finger to my lips, telling him to be quiet, I've only just got her to go back to sleep and if he wakes her up I might actually have to kill him. He nods, walking through into the kitchen and trying to make coffee quietly. Just as I'm thinking about how quiet he's being there's a loud crash from the kitchen, then a few seconds silence. "Sorry." He whispers. I look down at the baby who is now very much awake and wriggling around in my arms, thankfully she's not crying this time.

I stand up and walk in to the kitchen to find Jay crawling around on the floor, trying to gather up all the pieces of the mug he's dropped on the floor. He looks up at me guiltily. "Take her for me, I'll make coffee before you break anything else!" I laugh and he smiles at me, standing up and taking Millie out of my arms. I can't help the grin on my face as I look at them both, I'm so lucky to be here with them both now. The fact that I nearly wasn't here just makes me appreciate it even more. I hand Jay his coffee after I've finished picking all the pieces up off the floor. I sit down next to him, leaning my head on his shoulder as I take a big sip of my coffee. "God I've missed coffee!" I laugh, 'I'd really missed coffee during my pregnancy- something I'd taken out on Jay several times. "You are a lot nicer in the morning when you've had a coffee!" He laughs and then looks at his watch. "Well, I'd better go.." He says, gently passing Millie back to me. He leans forward and gives her a quick kiss on the top of her head, before leaning forward and kissing me. "Be good you two!" He laughs, grabbing his jacket and walking out of the door.

Just after lunch I decide I've had enough of sitting around the apartment. "Shall we go see Daddy?" I say to Millie, putting on the tiny little coat we'd bought her. It's a short ride to the precinct, and it feels so good to get out of the apartment. It takes me a little while to get up the steps to intelligence though, everyone stopping to congratulate me and tell me how beautiful she is. Even Platt had something nice to say. I'm seriously out of shape I decide as I finally reach the top of the stairs. "Hey!" Ruzek yells as I walk in, shortly followed by the sounds of crying. I glare at him and he makes an apologetic face. "No way Ruzek! You make the baby cry you make it stop! Those are the rules!" I say as he starts trying to run off. He laughs a little and walks towards us. "It's good to see you Erin!" He says, leaning down to take Millie out of her car seat. I'm about to ask where Voight and Jay are when I hear a familiar voice behind me. "You drop my Grandkid Ruzek you and I will be taking a little trip together…" I hear Voight say as he looks at Ruzek who is bouncing Millie around trying to get her to stop crying. "Be nice!" I laugh, only Voight could manage to make something sound like a joke and yet mildly threatening at the same time. "I mean it Ruzek!" He laughs, coming over to give me a hug. "How you been kid?" He asks me.

Jay comes bounding up the stairs before I get a chance to say anything. "Hey! This is a- Hey Ruzek you'd better be careful with my kid!" He says, coming over to me. Adam looks offended. "Why does no one trust me with her?! She likes me!" He protests and everyone laughs. I feel Jay's arm slide around my waist and I lean closer to him. It feels good to be back here, but I'm not in any hurry to get back to work. I stand there and laugh as Olinsky and Antonio start teasing Ruzek again. "Give her here Ruzek, you're hogging the baby!" Voight laughs, going over and taking Millie from him. I smile up at Jay, I know he was surprised at how good Voight is with her, he just doesn't seem like that kind of person I guess, but he's taken to his role as a Grandpa pretty well. As I look around at all these people I can't help but feel everything's going to turn out great after all.


	27. Chapter 27

Ok guys, this is it- the final chapter! I've really enjoyed writing this, I wasn't sure about it to start with as it's the first time I've tried to write anything in the first person. Anyway, I hope you've enjoyed reading and let me know what you think. :) (sorry it's short, I just felt it needed something to round it off.)

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Erin's P.O.V.

I think we are both finally starting to get the hang of this whole parenting thing. It's taken a whole but it turns out that I'm actually pretty good at function on next to no sleep. I've finally learned how to kick Jay hard enough to wake him up when Millie starts crying during the night, an added bonus. I smile to myself thinking about how i actually managed to knock him clean out of the bed last night.

I found it a little odd to begin with, being back at work. My first day back I think I must have called the nanny more or less every ten minutes to check she was ok. It still feels weird, walking out he front door every morning and leaving my baby with someone else. I can't help but feel a little bit guilty, like I should be staying at home with her.

I've become much more aware of the dangers of my job since I've been a Mom. I used to volunteer for all the undercover work, run in to buildings no questions asked. Now though, I can't help but think about the potential dangers that lie behind each door. I guess it's a result of being injured in the line of duty, that and having Jules die in my arms. It still haunts me now, the look on her husbands face when he found out his kids were going to grow up without a mother. I'm so much more careful now because I don't want that to happen to Jay and Millie.

I smile to myself looking over at Jay, who's sat on the sofa playing with our daughter. He's so much better at this than I am, I felt like a failure for weeks- no matter what I did I just couldn't get her to stop crying. I'd phoned Jay in tears, convinced I was failing as a mother. He'd come rushing back from work, I'd totally freaked him out with my crying and he was totally convinced something was seriously wrong. He'd sat there with me and held me until I stopped crying, then he'd done the same with Millie. It made me realise just how lucky I am to have him, there's no way I could do this on my own. If you'd asked me when I woke up in the hospital after I was attacked where I'd be right now I can garuntee I wouldn't have guessed correctly. But standing here, watching Jay play with our daughter I know I wouldn't change any of it for the world, and as Jay looks up and smiles at me I know he wouldn't either.


End file.
